Letters to my sons
A collection of thoughts and lessons I've learned along the way for my little men, and anyone else that's interested.
Posts tagged with #Inspiration
My sons,
All of us have dreams. From a young age, we learned that the sky’s the limit for human ingenuity. We were told that we could be anything, do anything. But over time, those dreams start to fade, and our belief in our ability to achieve them (nay, whether we even deserve to achieve them) starts to fade. Most of us have lost sight of those adolescent dreams and have settled into the mediocrity that is adulthood. We are content in living the life that we’re supposed to live - a life that plods along slowly but surely, doing all the things that our culture tells us area part of a properly lived life.
Sounds pretty dull doesn’t it?
How do we snap out of that? How do we move back into a space where our lives are exciting, where we’re passionately running towards some big, lofty dream, and where inspiration comes and drives us to our limit and pushes us beyond where we ever thought we could go?
The answer is simple, and comes in the form of all sorts of cliches. Take your pick of them:
- Less is more
- Gotta take two steps back in order to set up three steps forward
- It’s not quantity, it’s quality
The truth of the matter is, our lives are so jam packed full of stuff, filled with noise, and overflowing with the seemingly urgent that we have no margin, no time, no mental space to allow ourselves to listen. It has been said that inspiration is very polite. She knocks softly and then goes away if we don’t answer the door. She does not force her way in, does not make a big fuss, does not cause a scene.
We cannot shove inspiration down someone’s throat. We knock softly, and if they’re not ready to answer, that’s okay, we can come back some other time. Similarly, we cannot be inspired if we are not paying attention to the knocking on our own doors. If we are too caught up in ourselves, too focused on our own worlds, or have too much noise drowning our ears, we will miss the gentle whisper that inspires and elevates.
If we want to hear the gentle whisper of inspiration we must first learn to listen, and to have the margin and mental space for her.
Learning to listen
An unfortunate reality of our modern world is that we are driven by noise. We praise great orators, admire the outspoken leaders, and aspire ourselves to have that type of impact. As a result, we focus much of our learning and our development on how to speak, how to convey an idea, and how to be heard.
But we don’t spend time learning to listen.
Active listening is a skill just like any other - it can be learned, can be practiced, and can be improved upon. It has nuances like every other skill does. It has its masters and its novices. Some are born with more of it, some with less. And like every other skill, where we start doesn’t matter. We can all learn to actively listen so that we are more attuned to what is going on around us.
Creating space
One of my most cherished habits is my nightly thinking and processing time. I use a modified version of Zettelkasten to support my growth and learning, and one of the disciplines I’ve picked up from it is creating space every night to process my thoughts from the day and to synthesize my notes into my own system. This process requires me to first sit and clear the thoughts in my head and then to pick up each thought that I’ve recorded throughout the day and to consider it, process it, and synthesize it into a long form paragraph or two.
Which system you use is less important. What matters is that you have a system, and you have a method by which you nurture and care for your thought life. The daily nurturing of your mind allows you to create space to listen, to be attuned to your surroundings, and to see where your thoughts lead you. This is gonna sound cheesy, but I’m going to say it anyway - your mind is like your sacred garden that needs to be tended to and taken care of. Cultivating a healthy and strong thought life will provide benefits to every other area of your life.
Cultivating our inputs
We must therefore be intentional about our inputs. Tending to the garden of our mind means we are thoughtful and careful about what we let into it. This should be an obvious one, and despite the fact that we’ve all definitely seen the effects of not guarding our minds well, most of us could use some improvement in the things we let in.
We’ve all done this and all have first hand experience with this. Remember that friend who was constantly negative and could (and would) complain about anything and everything under the sun? Prolonged periods hanging out with them probably made us more negative as well.
It works in the opposite too. When I was younger I had a great friend who was super passionate about technology and about the product that we were working together on at the time. We spent countless hours discussing the work we were passionate and excited about, and would even discuss some of the technical details of our work while on the chairlift at the slopes. It’s no surprise then that this period of my life was characterized by strong technical thinking and development, as well as a high amount of professional productivity.
I in turn was very much into motorcycles and would openly drool over the latest super sport bikes that were released each year. It’s also no surprise that my friend ended up getting a motorcycle as well.
Great inputs have the power to lift up a life, to change our mind, and to enrich our thought processes and passions. Bad inputs have the power to pollute our mind, to destroy our sense of self, and to turn a once-productive mind into a destructive one.
The gentle whisper of inspiration
Inspiration comes in many forms, and may sound different to different people. She may take different approaches, may speak through different people and events, and may look different each time she tries to visit us. She may speak to us through listening to a stranger’s story on the plane, or through the sight of a bird soaring high with “god rays” bursting through the clouds. She may nudge us when we’re dozing off watching the trees roll by on our commute, or may give us a glimpse of something greater as we’re playing with our kids.
One thing is certain though - she always whispers.
There is no sure fire way to guarantee that we will hear her every time. But if create space, if we spend the time to be mindful and attentive, if we learn to follow the little inklings that begin like whispers in the wind of our minds, then we may learn to distinguish her voice and pay more attention when she speaks. But we’ve got to be ready to listen to what she says! Remember that there is no confirmation bias for inspiration. She may often say things that make us think twice - that is a good thing! An inspired life is an elevated one, and we can surely use more of those in our world!
My sons,
Hobbies are supposed to be embarrassing. In this day and age where everything is supposed to be productive and well-polished, hobbies are explicitly not. They don’t further our careers, they have no future payout, they aren’t things we post about on LinkedIn. The reason we have hobbies is for the hobbies themselves, and as a result the world inadvertently looks down on them, which in turn causes us to be occasionally embarrassed about our hobbies - this is totally okay! This likely means we’re doing something that the world thinks is non-sensical, which usually indicates that we’re doing it because we love it.
In a world that is obsessed with forward progress, that preprograms us all to constantly strive for success, and that is becoming ever more impatient with delays each day, hobbies are counter-cultural. Think about the last few social interactions you’ve had, especially with new people that you’ve just met. Chances are, you talked about work (potentially at length!). Potentially you made some idle chatter about the weather, and if you’ve got kids, you probably talked about them and all the craziness that goes along with being a parent. Maybe you talked about the latest world events, latest technological advancements, or latest crazy policies to come out of our government.
If hobbies were mentioned and discussed, you were probably met with polite smiles and gentle nods, with eyes that seemed to say “oh what a quaint little hobby you have there - that explains why you’re not as successful/accomplished/[insert your choice of success metric here] as you could be!”.
Unfortunately, that is a huge misunderstanding of the value of hobbies, and of the potential that having great hobbies unlocks in one’s life!
Why we have hobbies
Growing up in a western society taught me to live life for tomorrow. From an early age it was imprinted on me that we do what we do today so that tomorrow will be better. Get good grades in high school so that you can get into a good university. Learn a lot in university so that you can get a great internship that will lead to a full time job opportunity. Do well in your job so that you can climb the corporate ladder and have a great life. It seemed like everything was done expressly for something else in the future. Even volunteering was done so that it would look good on your college applications.
That type of mindset misses the point altogether.
The justification for writing is the act of writing. Not some external benefit, not some reward or glory, but the pure beautiful act of writing itself. The reason we sing is simply to sing, to revel in its singular beauty. The reason for doing something ought to be the thing itself!
I read once that it is quite possible that this is the imprint of God. That there is beauty in the thing itself, without justification, without recognition, but simply because it is.
I love that.
Hobbies are important
We have hobbies simply for the sake of the hobby itself, for our interest in it, and for the joy it sparks in us. And as much as our hyper-growth-focused society tries to tell us, they are important.
In his New York Times best selling book ~Range~, Peter Epstein masterfully argues that our belief in specialization at an individual life level is misguided. Stories like that of Tiger Woods, debatable GOAT of the game whose father handed him a golf club at age 2 and who hasn’t stopped winning in the game since are inspiring and are distinctively noteworthy. However, folks like Tiger who have done one and only one thing their entire lives are the exceptions and not the rule.
The vast majority of the hyper successful have had a range of experiences which they’ve drawn from, many of whom owe their successes to the exposure, experience, and wisdom they gained in those arenas. Whether it is experiencing different companies, industries, or even just different bosses, the successful among us are the ones that have learned to harness the range of their experiences - both consciously and subconsciously - to their advantage. As Epstein explains in his book, the subconscious mind makes connections from realms of thought and experience that our conscious minds can’t draw any connection between and in fact may find ludicrous. Accounting theory being used to solve chemistry problems in molecule constitution. Hospital administration strategies used to solve computer science problems in concurrency.
The neural pathways that our subconscious mind creates between our various experiences lead to conscious discoveries and realizations that would never have been possible without. And hobbies are exactly that - a range of experiences that are typically different enough from our chosen professions that they opens up pathways to many patterns and strategies that we would otherwise not have access to.
A simple activity is to look at those around you that you consider successful, and ask about their hobbies. I guarantee you they’ve got a bunch, and if you show enough genuine interest, they may even share with you the would-be embarrassing ones to boot!
Hobbies make us interesting
Last but not least, hobbies simply make us interesting. Have you ever been stuck across the table from someone who has nothing apparent to bring to the conversation except for idle chatter about celebrity gossip, surface level understanding of and uninformed opinions of current events, and a mild penchant for talking about themselves in a thoroughly uninteresting fashion?
I have, and it was painful.
And as a result, I never want to be that person for someone else. Not only do hobbies make us interesting because they give us something to talk about, but because there is no pride in them, no excellence or worldly gain associated with them, they allow us to break down barriers, vulnerably put ourselves out there, and spark fun and creative conversations. They give us a natural avenue to have fun, to not take ourselves so lightly, and to invite questions and dialog with others.
And so my boys, my prayer for you is for you to have rich and full lives, filled with much joy, great connection, and loads of hobbies and interests so that you can not only be successful in the world, but can experience it to the full!
My sons,
We were made to dream. Before we even learned to speak and communicate, we learned to dream. There were a few sad nights when you little guys had nightmares, but thankfully those were the exception. More commonly we have beautiful dreams that inspire us, that soothe us, that excite us, or even embolden us to action. We were built to dream.
When you guys were little, you’d run around pretending to be firefighters, Air Force pilots, astronauts, or even professional soccer players. Children everywhere dream big dreams and run after them.
But for some reason, as we get older, we lose that. We get lost in the assembly line of adolescent preparation for adulthood and we lose sight of those dreams. We put them in a box, slap a “childhood memories” label on it, and stick it on the shelf, letting it collect dust over the years until it’s a long lost forgotten fragment of our younger years.
Gallup reports that roughly 20% of adults report actively pursuing their dreams, and only a third of those report achieving them. The rest of us go through life living uninspired, unambitious, and proper lives that are expected of us.
Sad, huh?
How does one live out one’s dreams?
It is easy (in comparison) to have dreams. It is much harder to live out those dreams, to run hard after them, and to pursue them with every fiber of our being. There are a number of things that can help make the journey palatable (and even possible).
1. Intrinsic motivation
When we were young, most of our motivation was extrinsic. Extrinsic motivators are motivators that are not your own, that are not core to your being. Things like parents pushing you, peer pressures, fear of falling behind, or even the communal pressure of living up to what’s expected of you.
To be clear, extrinsic motivators aren’t bad. In fact, they’re necessary for our survival and thriving as a society, and are a fundamental jump starter in one’s life. When we were young, our intrinsic motivators were for sleep, for food, and for play. Extrinsic motivators came in to motivate us to share, to collaborate, to learn, and to read. These are important.
Living out our dreams requires intrinsic motivation.
Intrinsic motivators are ones that you have internally, that are self-generated, and that are self-accountable. They are the things we do not because we want to do them, but because we feel deeply that we have to do them. They are a part of us. They are a part of our identity. They are an expression of our true selves, of the way that we believe we ought to live, the lives that we ought to have.
Runners don’t run because they want to reach a destination. They run because they love the run. They set their own distance, their own starting and ending markers, their own pace, their own goals. There is nothing external about that. It’s all internal. It’s all about you and what you want out of the run.
Intrinsic motivators are several fold more effective in maintaining focus, and in providing a lasting fuel to our industry. Because they are intrinsic, they need to be learned, practiced, and developed like every other muscle in our body. From an early age, children can develop the strength of their intrinsic motivators. They need time to play, to be bored, to wander, to try things out, and to discover those for themselves. By taking away all the freedom from their play and providing a ton of structure (ie here’s what you’re going to play, when, with whom, with what rules, etc), we rob them of the ability to figure that out themselves and in doing so figure out what their own intrinsic motivators are. The more we apply our intrinsic motivators the more strength they will have in fueling our endeavors.
When I was in high school, I had a number of high achieving friends. They were studious. They got straight As. They took advanced math classes and would school me on every test we had. They were bright, had creative ideas for class projects, and generally were earmarked for huge successes (at least, that’s what was written about them in our yearbook).
But once we got to university (yes, I’m Canadian, so we called it university… not “college” as the Americans do, or “uni” as our British friends do), they completely unraveled. Turns out without the ever watchful eye of Sauron (okay, okay, I’m a Lord of the Rings nerd… how bout eye of mom and dad then?) dictating their schedule and motivating them to do well, they had nothing to fall back on, no intrinsic motivation to get them through.
2. There is much beauty in the details
Great dreamers know that there is much beauty in the details. They, like great artists, know that the big picture is not enough. They know the secret ability that details have to generate great joy. They know that meticulously poring over every detail and painstakingly agonizing over every inch allows those who view the work to be uninterrupted in their experience.
It is one thing to enjoy driving. It is another to notice the smoothness of the gear shift, the refined but powerful roar of the engine, the accent stitching on the seats, and the amazing synchro alignment that allows downshifting to feel as smooth as butter. These details generate a richer and deeper happiness and connection with the car than simply enjoying stepping on the pedal and going.
This is true in every area of life. Whether we’re talking about the subtle hints of floral and fruity fragrances in the bouquet of wine, the refined brush stroke applied to a masterpiece, the technical complexities and details behind a seemingly simple everyday product, or the delicate lilt in the angel’s voice as she sings her aria, details and their recognition and appreciation are transformative.
As our senses are refined and heightened we begin to notice and appreciate each of the tiny details that make up the greater whole. This in turn allows us to be consumed by an experience, transported into a world where time stands still and there is simply the experience itself. And that, is a beautiful thing.
3. Sharing the gift
Passion is contagious. It is not learned, not cultivated, not given. It is inspired. It is sparked by others with passion. It can be a sudden ignition of an already-fertile ground, or can be the slow methodical rubbing together of sticks Boy Scout style. It is shared. It must be shared.
And so for the rare dream that does become a reality, for the one in a million dreams that is realized, we have a moral imperative to share it. When your dream becomes a reality, it doesn’t just belong to you. It belongs to the people who helped you - your family, your friends, your coworkers. It belongs to the world.
So share it. Share it for those who helped you get there. Share it for all those who may never have their own dreams realized, but want to be encouraged and uplifted by the stories of others. Share it as a testament to the power and beauty of the human spirit. Share it so that there is more light in the world than darkness. But most of all, share it so that you never forget it.
My sons,
When you get to a certain age, it becomes quite common for most people to have fairly well-formed (and often strong) opinions on the passage of time. Some hate it, perpetually longing for a return to the glory days, a time long past where things were undoubtedly better. People in this camp tend to live for and live in the past, often keeping trophies of a time gone by, memories of a time when they were at their prime. They run around romanticizing the past, of simpler times, of more prosperous times. You’ll recognize them by their speech, their rhetoric - “I can’t believe I’m another year older!”, “where has the time gone?”, “things were so much better back then”, or even, “we need to make things great again”.
And then there’s the other camp. The camp that believes that the best is yet to come, that tomorrow will be better than today, that values all the phases and experiences that life has to offer. These people are marked by their forward-facing demeanor. They are characterized by their unwavering focus on the future, their can-do attitude, their creativity, and their desire for progress. These people run around painting grand and lofty pictures of what the future ought to look like, and in fact could look like if we worked together to reach for it.
Incidentally, there is in fact a third camp; a doomsday camp that believes the past was terrible, but that the future will be worse, so you should only live for the present. This camp is much less interesting, so we won’t bother with them.
The thing with our two groups of interest is that they both desire for the future to be great. However, their focus and approach is entirely different.
Romantic reminiscers
Those who find solace in the embrace of the past tend to resonate strongly with the concept of romantic reminiscing, and often have a strong sense of nostalgia. This cognitive bias embellishes their memories, leading them to think that the past was objectively great, when really what they’re actually tapping into is the feeling of novelty and of greatness in their own past experiences.
One of my favorite shows as a kid was Saved by the Bell. I was absolutely in love with Tiffany Thiessen, and I spent many a daydream wishing that my adolescent experience was more like Bayside, and that someone so perfect as Kelly would wander into my life. Years later after I had graduated from College and the show had been long since done, my brother and I saw the DVD collection on sale at Fry’s, so we picked it up and brought it home.
It. Was. Terrible.
Like, really bad. The acting was quite rough, the lines were cheesy, the costumes were comical at best… Really, the only thing that still held up was Tiffany Thiessen. (Incidentally, I also loved her performance as Elle in White Collar). Needless to say, after watching one or two episodes, we promptly put the DVDs away and never pulled them out again.
We all do this though, don’t we? We reminisce about the past - and rightly so! Those of us that were fortunate enough to grow up in safe, loving, and supportive homes that allowed us to blossom into the beautiful humans that we are now are truly blessed to have had those experiences, and it is a good thing to look back on them fondly. But that’s where it should stop - at beautiful reminiscing.
Unfortunately, maybe people stay in the past and have a hard time embracing the present as it is. They have an even harder time seeing the unknowns and uncertainty of the future. This fear of change - or as psychologists call it, “loss aversion” - is a fear that must be conquered, not a philosophy for enacting a return to bygone days.
Life moves on, and so must we.
Having faith for the future
Those who steadfastly look towards the future with unwavering optimism on the other hand, tend to possess a strong sense of self-efficacy and self-confidence. They expect positive outcomes and believe that the future holds greater promise, which in turn fuels their proactive approach to life. This in turn fosters the belief in their ability to shape their own destinies, and to overcome obstacles along the way.
This resilience, this ability to look to the long term, this faith that we have not crested the peak of human experience brings us several strong benefits.
- We don’t sweat the small stuff. When we have the mindset that tomorrow will be better than today, the small stuff that happens today is taken in context of a greater tomorrow and is able to more readily roll off our backs without doing much damage.
- We inspire and are inspired by others. When we focus on the promise of tomorrow, believing full well that we can make tomorrow better, we start to apply our not insignificant energies and resources toward that end. There is an innate desire in human nature to look upwards, to think big, to be inspired by grand and lofty visions. Since the dawn of the age mankind has looked to the heavens for inspiration, and has looked to individuals who seem to have a vision of what that heaven could be like.
- We are healthier. Believing in a better future means believing that future can come for us, and as a result we are much more likely to engage in health-promoting activities. We exercise more. We eat better. We prioritize our well-being, physically, emotionally, and mentally. We live longer because we believe we have more to live for!
Bringing others along
When we think of inspiring people, people who can rally a crowd, can move a city, can change a nation, people who can truly think big, we notice a few things about them.
First, they recognize that one camp is better than another. In fact, they don’t even see the camps as being at odds with one another. They understand that we are all different, and that’s okay! Their goal isn’t to find like minded people and isolate themselves from other-minded ones; rather, their goal is to understand one another, to see each other’s perspectives, and to have open and honest dialogue together.
Second, they know that in the deepest recesses of our hearts we all long for this world to be better. Whether our circumstances have caused us to be jaded or not is another matter altogether. Thinking big means that regardless of whether one is blessed with circumstances and experiences that have led them to see that the world can and will be better or if one has suffered much and can no longer see tomorrow as more than another opportunity for more pain, we unite, we inspire, and we bring each other along.
Lastly, they know that thinking big isn’t just about having vision. It isn’t just about having a grand and lofty idea that can change the world. It’s about taking the vision, sharing it with others, and letting it spread to others so that united we are better, and we can make our world better. Together.
My sons,
Human beings are hard wired to mimic and to copy. From the moment we are born we are copying those around us. We copy the sounds they make that eventually turn into words, the emotions they feel that eventually turn into our internal thought life, and the actions they take that eventually turn into our hobbies. So much of what we do is copied and adapted from our environment around us.
In his book Wanting, Luke Burgis posits that much of what we believe is our own initiative is a mimetic response to our environment, and the desires that we have are in fact not really our own. While this might be taken as bad news, I think it’s actually good. It means that we can shape what we believe we want by shaping our environment and our inputs. Further, it means that we can impact others by being different inputs for them. By simply being in our world, we can impact the wants and desires of those around us.
Illuminating our conversations
If we are to illuminate our world, we must consider our conversations - the things we say, the topics we initiate, the questions we ask, and even the (hopefully) thoughtful responses we have. When it comes to conversation, there are really two types - paradigmatic and narrative.
- Paradigmatic - this type of conversation is analytical in nature, littered with facts and figures, and is entirely filled with comment making. It is impersonal, and typically leads to debate and deliberation, often about a model or archetype.
- Narrative - this type of conversation is filled with storytelling, less a bout a point with facts and figures, and more about a story, a feeling, an experience.
When it comes to illuminating our world, the age old adage “no one cares what you know until they know that you care” comes to mind. Facts, figures, winning debates - none of these things change our world or inspire action. They simply are remarkable concepts - that is, concepts worth making a remark about.
When we consider the most impactful people in our world, we think about great storytellers. It is no coincidence that historic figures like Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Theresa, and even Jesus Christ taught through parables and stories. This is because stories bridge the gap between thinking and feeling. They allow the listener to begin to feel the conversation and therefore adapt it into their own world view.
Just like every piece of writing has an implied narrator which the author wants you to attribute to themselves, every storyteller has a characteristic narrative tone: sassy or sarcastic, ironic or earnest, cheerful or grave. The narrative tone reflects the person’s basic attitude toward the world - is it safe or threatening, welcoming, disappointing, or absurd? How we tell stories says a lot about us, and as a result much can be learned learn about a person by listening their stories!
So how can we illuminate through our narrative conversations? A few suggestions:
- Ask about belief, not thought. Instead of asking “what do you think about this”, ask “how did you come to believe in this”?
- Ask about relationship. Instead of asking about what someone values, ask about who in their life shaped their values the most.
- Ask about aspirations. Instead of asking about what someone is going to do, ask about what they would do if they had no fear of failure.
It should first be noted that all of the above are questions for us to ask. You cannot illuminate a life by telling stories that no one wants to hear. You cannot shove enlightenment down someone’s throat. Instead, you draw them into a place of illumination by asking questions, trading stories, and sharing vulnerabilities. These questions prompt stories and narratives, and are the best way to get to know someone, and by extension are the best way to be able to light up their lives!
Bringing enchantment to those around us
Enchantment is the act of bringing beauty to everyday things. Yes, our world needs food, shelter, safety. But we also long for beauty, for song, for a glimpse of the heavenly. As Robin Williams shares with his students in Dead Poets Society:
“Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.”
These are the things that make life grand, that make life enchanting, that make life worth living! Their requisite is not money, but rather time, thoughtfulness, intention. We can generously use our time and our talents to bring that type of beauty, that type of enchantment to those all around us!
Earlier this year I met a bank teller who loved to paint. In his spare time, he would paint Mount Rainier on small wooden placards and bring them to work. He’d then give them away to anyone who was willing to accept one. When I asked him about it, he said that he loved art, that that before she passed, his mother had encouraged him to never stop being generous with it, to never stop giving back to the world.
Beautiful.
Giving our attention to others
Often we think that being generous requires money; it doesn’t. One of the most powerful things you can give someone is your attention. Let them know that they’re seen, that they’re cared for, that they are focused on, that they’re thought about.
We have to remember that despite money being the grease that makes the world go round, it is not the thing that gives life meaning. It fuels progress. It fuels change. It empowers people. It lifts people out of poverty and other bad situations. But it does not give people meaning. It is a tool that is meant to be used, but itself is not of penultimate value. Connection however, is. Connection is the thing that we were created for, the thing that as humans we long for from the moment of birth until we breathe our last breath.
We therefore should not be surprised that often the most impactful way for us to illuminate a life is by giving someone our attention, our concern, our consideration. We live in a world that is increasingly isolated and lonely. In America, the average number of hours per week an adult spends with friends has dropped from 6 to 2 in the last 25 years. What an epidemic of loneliness we have created for ourselves!
And so my sons, my hope for you both is that you choose to illuminate your world. I hope that you are generous with your time, your efforts, your thoughts, and your resources. I hope that your conversation will be always full of grace, and will uplift those around you. I hope that you are men who see those less visible, who bring enchantment to those around you, and who light up every room you find yourselves blessed to be in!
—
P.S. A few illuminating questions that I’ve come across for you to consider:
- What crossroads are you at?
- What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
- If you died tonight, what would you regret not doing?
- If we meet a year from now, what will we be celebrating?
- If the next five years is a chapter in your life, what is that chapter about?
- Can you be yourself where you are, and still fit in?
- What has become clearer as you have aged?
My sons,
Have you ever met someone who really lights up a room? Someone with whom every conversation leaves you lighter and with whom every encounter leaves you feeling like you’re on top of the world? They bring light to others simply by being around them. They uplift, they elevate, they bring joy, they bring hope for something better. These people are illuminators.
On the flip side, there are people who do the opposite. These people suck the life right out of a room, and have the uncanny ability to ruin your mood. They spend their energies trying to glorify and uplift themselves, and are constantly trying to get you to acknowledge their superiority. They want to be seen as always right, as the one who knows the most, whose opinion ought to matter the most. They consistently manage to move the conversation to whatever happens to be on their mind, and are able to drag you into their mindset and into their world. These people are diminishers. They’re downers. If you’re unfortunate enough to know one, you need to minimize the impact that they have on your life by creating clear boundaries. More on that another time.
Today, I want to focus on what it looks like to be an illuminator, how we can attract more illuminators into our lives, and how we can encourage our relations to be more illuminating towards one another.
What allows someone to be an illuminator?
Illuminators are people that are very much less about themselves. Often, they are quite badass, but due to their own self confidence and their care for others, they don’t need their egos to be stroked and as a result do not draw attention to their own badass-ness. Their confidence doesn’t require the approval or awe of others. They are sure of themselves, and don’t need you to confirm or reinforce that.
In my life, I have had the awesome privilege of knowing a true illuminator. When I first met him, I left the conversation feeling light, full of joy, as if I could tackle the world. He was genuinely interested, excited, and impressed by the things in my life, and he expressed those feelings openly. He would ask me questions as if I was the expert on a given topic, and in doing so boosted my confidence ever so slightly. Leaving that conversation, everything looked just a little bit brighter, and I was able to wear a smile on my face the rest of the day. It wasn’t until years later that I learned about his pedigree and his own successes which were absolutely objectively larger than mine. Those successes never got in the way of him being genuinely interested and excited about the things in my life though, and never even came up in our early conversations.
How do illuminators all have the ability to do this?
- They don’t need the praise of others to feel good about themselves. Illuminators don’t allow the opinions of others to sway their opinions of themselves. They know that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and that they are valuable and the work they do is meaningful even if no one else knows about it or gives them praise for it.
- They have a good idea of what the meaning for their lives are. In his seminal work, Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl describes the quest that every person must go through to discover meaning in their life, regardless of their circumstances. Illuminators are people who have done or are doing this work and have at least discovered that meaning in life is not found in the approval of others.
- They have resiliency. Illuminators know that each individual instance is never the end of the world. They have a long term view of life, and know that every little setback, while unfortunate, does not define them. They understand that suffering too must play a part of meaning in the overarching story arc of their lives.
A spirit of generosity
Illuminators are generous. They are generous with their time, their resources, their care, and their intention. A very simple question one can ask oneself at the onset is:
Do I take more from my world, or do I give more to it?
Honestly reflecting on this will allow us to first determine our posture towards others. A few potential follow up questions:
- In my personal time, am I regularly acting on behalf of others?
- Am I making my personal resources and skillset available to others?
- Am I being generous with my money? My time? My thoughts?
A spirit of generosity, of kindness, and of warmth needs to be cultivated over time, and can’t be faked. When you look into someone’s childhood, you get a window into the things that caused them to be the way that they are - the experiences, the learnings, the hurts, the fears - all of these help you understand how and why someone is wired the way that they are. So it is with us. When others look at us, they see the culmination of the experiences that we’ve had, and how we’ve responded to those experiences.
It has been said that we are not defined by our experiences, but rather by how we respond to those experiences.
And so my sons, my hope for you is that you are reflective in your response to your situations, and that you are intentional about cultivating a spirit of generosity. Do you enjoy helping others? Do you love giving back to your world? How do you treat others? How do you try to make your world a better place? By cultivating a spirit of generosity, you can become men that not only illuminate your relationships and local community but can become men that leave our world better than when you entered it.