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Posts tagged with #Inclusion

Including the excluded

My sons,

Everything about our natural world tells us to stay in the safety of those that are like us. In the wild, while certain species may be willing to coexist in the same environment as one another, by and large everything in our natural world sticks close with those of its kind. We never see birds of different species flying in graceful formation together, or packs of deer mixed with buffalo running together. In fact, it is far more common to have a pecking order, to have predator and prey.

Growing up as a Chinese immigrant in Canada, that natural order was made immediately clear in every possible social realm. If you were athletic, you hung out with the other athletic kids. If you were a music nerd, you hung out with other music nerds. If you were an Asian kid in a predominantly white class, you naturally gravitated towards the other two Asian kids.

This is natural, but suboptimal.

It is true that birds of a feather flock together, and there is much benefit in that. Shared context, a common background and upbringing, even similar value systems all lower the barrier to connection and understanding. Not having to explain cultural norms and traditions certainly makes it easier to bring people together.

Easier isn’t always better though.

In fact, I’ve found that in many, if not most cases, easier is generally not better. Quite the contrary. When we have to work for it, when it takes effort, when it requires diligence and perseverance, it (whatever it happens to be) is generally much better. It therefore behooves us to understand this dynamic as it applies to the most important element of human society: relationships.

Natural outsiders

In every society there are outsiders. Because of the bountiful diversity that exists across the human race, there are infinitely many criteria which we can use to create groups, and thereby create a dynamic of those inside the group, and those outside. Add to that our strong beliefs, biases, and experiences, and any group can become not just an outsider, but an adversarial outsider. Jews. Christians. Women. Immigrants. Poor. Sick.

I believe that people naturally fall into three categories:

1. People who create outsiders
2. People who are excluded
3. People who stand by and watch

Evolutionary forces create a strong desire for us to be included, accepted, and welcomed into the clan, and social history has shown that there are few easier ways to be included than to create a group to exclude. Just look at any average schoolyard. Not only are all three categories always clearly present, but children will move from one category to another seamlessly depending on the day, the activities being done, and the children in attendance.

I certainly experienced all of those categories over the years. One of my early memories included some of my friends deciding to “betray” a particular person in our group for some (real or imagined) slight. This involved a bunch of us sneaking back into the classroom at recess and moving the person’s desk into some remote corner of the class, separate from our cluster. While I don’t remember being the one to initiate the “betrayal” (fully admitting that this may be my unconscious mind trying to forget), I certainly stood by and watched as we actively and intentionally excluded others.

No longer an adolescent, I’ve begun to see that there is a fourth potential category. This category is unnatural, and requires intention, dedication, and persistence to create. This is the category of people who bring outsiders inside.

Including the excluded

When people are pushed to the margins, when they are excluded, that is when trouble happens. Practically every large scale conflict in history has been rooted in some sort of exclusion of some group. History is replete with warnings and examples of what happens when we exclude, of the many crises that unfold as a result. Our current day geo-political situation is chalk full of this type of conflict.

The first step in many crises is to include the excluded.

This is counterintuitive for humanity because we are evolutionarily predisposed to avoid things not like us. Our fight or flight instincts have been honed over hundreds of millennia such that our bodies instinctively detect same-ness and not-same-ness, and instinctively prefer same-ness. This makes it very natural for us to exclude those that are in the not-same camp.

If we struggle well against that nature, however, and intentionally learn to include the excluded, a great many things happen.

1. We lift people up. When we include those on the fringes, we lift them out of a feeling of isolation, adversity, and survival and into one of belonging, collaboration, and flourishing.
2. We make our world better. It is well studied and documented that diversity brings about a better world, that listening to one another, learning with and from one another, and partnering with one another brings about longer and lasting change. When we include the excluded and learn from each other, we are able to release our focus on the not-same-ness and focus on the things that we have in common, and in doing so make our world better.
3. We elevate our thoughts and adopt a posture of learning. This posture allows us to take in, to broaden our perspectives, and to see the world clearly. It is from this posture that we may experience the abundance the Psalmist felt as he penned those beautiful words, “my cup runneth over”. When we include the excluded, we reorient ourselves and our world to the way that things ought to be.

So how do we do this? How do we integrate the practice of including the excluded in our lives? My studies and experiences have caused me to make a few changes that I thought I’d share.

1. Be critical of your inputs. There are many divisive sources out there, from books to blogs to articles and reviews, with some more blatant than others. Be incredibly critical of your inputs, as they have the power to slowly but surely change your mindset.
2. Regularly learn about/from someone not like you. If you look around and discover that most of your social circle is very much like you, be intentional about changing that. We all need to have people in our close circles that are not like us, that think differently than us, and that see the world from a very different perspective. Make sure you have regular mechanisms that allow you to interact closely with people not like you.
3. Practice empathy. Empathy is a skill and muscle like every other, and therefore needs to be practiced, honed, trained, and intentionally exercised. Just as you make time to work out, to learn new skills, and to advance your career, make time to practice empathy, to develop it, to learn from others who are masters of it, and to find situations to apply it.
4. Be balanced. Provide opposing viewpoints. When you make a decision about someone, play out the opposing viewpoint to see how the other side might see things. For example, when you’re interviewing someone and want to hire them, spend more time providing the best reason you shouldn’t hire them than you do on your reason to hire (or vice versa if you’re rejecting a candidate).

My prayer for you boys is that you are characterized as people who include others, who invite others, and who build community instead of tearing it down. I know this is hard - this is something I struggle with often as well. But I believe firmly that not only will we make our world better by including those that are excluded, but we will make ourselves better, and in doing so will enjoy a much richer and fuller life.

Illuminating our world

My sons,

Human beings are hard wired to mimic and to copy. From the moment we are born we are copying those around us. We copy the sounds they make that eventually turn into words, the emotions they feel that eventually turn into our internal thought life, and the actions they take that eventually turn into our hobbies. So much of what we do is copied and adapted from our environment around us.

In his book Wanting, Luke Burgis posits that much of what we believe is our own initiative is a mimetic response to our environment, and the desires that we have are in fact not really our own. While this might be taken as bad news, I think it’s actually good. It means that we can shape what we believe we want by shaping our environment and our inputs. Further, it means that we can impact others by being different inputs for them. By simply being in our world, we can impact the wants and desires of those around us.

Illuminating our conversations

If we are to illuminate our world, we must consider our conversations - the things we say, the topics we initiate, the questions we ask, and even the (hopefully) thoughtful responses we have. When it comes to conversation, there are really two types - paradigmatic and narrative.

• Paradigmatic - this type of conversation is analytical in nature, littered with facts and figures, and is entirely filled with comment making. It is impersonal, and typically leads to debate and deliberation, often about a model or archetype.
• Narrative - this type of conversation is filled with storytelling, less a bout a point with facts and figures, and more about a story, a feeling, an experience.

When it comes to illuminating our world, the age old adage “no one cares what you know until they know that you care” comes to mind. Facts, figures, winning debates - none of these things change our world or inspire action. They simply are remarkable concepts - that is, concepts worth making a remark about.

When we consider the most impactful people in our world, we think about great storytellers. It is no coincidence that historic figures like Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Theresa, and even Jesus Christ taught through parables and stories. This is because stories bridge the gap between thinking and feeling. They allow the listener to begin to feel the conversation and therefore adapt it into their own world view.

Just like every piece of writing has an implied narrator which the author wants you to attribute to themselves, every storyteller has a characteristic narrative tone: sassy or sarcastic, ironic or earnest, cheerful or grave. The narrative tone reflects the person’s basic attitude toward the world - is it safe or threatening, welcoming, disappointing, or absurd? How we tell stories says a lot about us, and as a result much can be learned learn about a person by listening their stories!

So how can we illuminate through our narrative conversations? A few suggestions:

1. Ask about belief, not thought. Instead of asking “what do you think about this”, ask “how did you come to believe in this”?
2. Ask about relationship. Instead of asking about what someone values, ask about who in their life shaped their values the most.
3. Ask about aspirations. Instead of asking about what someone is going to do, ask about what they would do if they had no fear of failure.

It should first be noted that all of the above are questions for us to ask. You cannot illuminate a life by telling stories that no one wants to hear. You cannot shove enlightenment down someone’s throat. Instead, you draw them into a place of illumination by asking questions, trading stories, and sharing vulnerabilities. These questions prompt stories and narratives, and are the best way to get to know someone, and by extension are the best way to be able to light up their lives!

Bringing enchantment to those around us

Enchantment is the act of bringing beauty to everyday things. Yes, our world needs food, shelter, safety. But we also long for beauty, for song, for a glimpse of the heavenly. As Robin Williams shares with his students in Dead Poets Society:

“Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.”

These are the things that make life grand, that make life enchanting, that make life worth living! Their requisite is not money, but rather time, thoughtfulness, intention. We can generously use our time and our talents to bring that type of beauty, that type of enchantment to those all around us!

Earlier this year I met a bank teller who loved to paint. In his spare time, he would paint Mount Rainier on small wooden placards and bring them to work. He’d then give them away to anyone who was willing to accept one. When I asked him about it, he said that he loved art, that that before she passed, his mother had encouraged him to never stop being generous with it, to never stop giving back to the world.

Beautiful.

Giving our attention to others

Often we think that being generous requires money; it doesn’t. One of the most powerful things you can give someone is your attention. Let them know that they’re seen, that they’re cared for, that they are focused on, that they’re thought about.

We have to remember that despite money being the grease that makes the world go round, it is not the thing that gives life meaning. It fuels progress. It fuels change. It empowers people. It lifts people out of poverty and other bad situations. But it does not give people meaning. It is a tool that is meant to be used, but itself is not of penultimate value. Connection however, is. Connection is the thing that we were created for, the thing that as humans we long for from the moment of birth until we breathe our last breath.

We therefore should not be surprised that often the most impactful way for us to illuminate a life is by giving someone our attention, our concern, our consideration. We live in a world that is increasingly isolated and lonely. In America, the average number of hours per week an adult spends with friends has dropped from 6 to 2 in the last 25 years. What an epidemic of loneliness we have created for ourselves!

And so my sons, my hope for you both is that you choose to illuminate your world. I hope that you are generous with your time, your efforts, your thoughts, and your resources. I hope that your conversation will be always full of grace, and will uplift those around you. I hope that you are men who see those less visible, who bring enchantment to those around you, and who light up every room you find yourselves blessed to be in!

—

P.S. A few illuminating questions that I’ve come across for you to consider:

• What crossroads are you at?
• What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
• If you died tonight, what would you regret not doing?
• If we meet a year from now, what will we be celebrating?
• If the next five years is a chapter in your life, what is that chapter about?
• Can you be yourself where you are, and still fit in?
• What has become clearer as you have aged?

A spirit of generosity

My sons,

Have you ever met someone who really lights up a room? Someone with whom every conversation leaves you lighter and with whom every encounter leaves you feeling like you’re on top of the world? They bring light to others simply by being around them. They uplift, they elevate, they bring joy, they bring hope for something better. These people are illuminators.

On the flip side, there are people who do the opposite. These people suck the life right out of a room, and have the uncanny ability to ruin your mood. They spend their energies trying to glorify and uplift themselves, and are constantly trying to get you to acknowledge their superiority. They want to be seen as always right, as the one who knows the most, whose opinion ought to matter the most. They consistently manage to move the conversation to whatever happens to be on their mind, and are able to drag you into their mindset and into their world. These people are diminishers. They’re downers. If you’re unfortunate enough to know one, you need to minimize the impact that they have on your life by creating clear boundaries. More on that another time.

Today, I want to focus on what it looks like to be an illuminator, how we can attract more illuminators into our lives, and how we can encourage our relations to be more illuminating towards one another.

What allows someone to be an illuminator?

Illuminators are people that are very much less about themselves. Often, they are quite badass, but due to their own self confidence and their care for others, they don’t need their egos to be stroked and as a result do not draw attention to their own badass-ness. Their confidence doesn’t require the approval or awe of others. They are sure of themselves, and don’t need you to confirm or reinforce that.

In my life, I have had the awesome privilege of knowing a true illuminator. When I first met him, I left the conversation feeling light, full of joy, as if I could tackle the world. He was genuinely interested, excited, and impressed by the things in my life, and he expressed those feelings openly. He would ask me questions as if I was the expert on a given topic, and in doing so boosted my confidence ever so slightly. Leaving that conversation, everything looked just a little bit brighter, and I was able to wear a smile on my face the rest of the day. It wasn’t until years later that I learned about his pedigree and his own successes which were absolutely objectively larger than mine. Those successes never got in the way of him being genuinely interested and excited about the things in my life though, and never even came up in our early conversations.

How do illuminators all have the ability to do this?

1. They don’t need the praise of others to feel good about themselves. Illuminators don’t allow the opinions of others to sway their opinions of themselves. They know that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and that they are valuable and the work they do is meaningful even if no one else knows about it or gives them praise for it.
2. They have a good idea of what the meaning for their lives are. In his seminal work, Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl describes the quest that every person must go through to discover meaning in their life, regardless of their circumstances. Illuminators are people who have done or are doing this work and have at least discovered that meaning in life is not found in the approval of others.
3. They have resiliency. Illuminators know that each individual instance is never the end of the world. They have a long term view of life, and know that every little setback, while unfortunate, does not define them. They understand that suffering too must play a part of meaning in the overarching story arc of their lives.

A spirit of generosity

Illuminators are generous. They are generous with their time, their resources, their care, and their intention. A very simple question one can ask oneself at the onset is:

Do I take more from my world, or do I give more to it?

Honestly reflecting on this will allow us to first determine our posture towards others. A few potential follow up questions:

1. In my personal time, am I regularly acting on behalf of others?
2. Am I making my personal resources and skillset available to others?
3. Am I being generous with my money? My time? My thoughts?

A spirit of generosity, of kindness, and of warmth needs to be cultivated over time, and can’t be faked. When you look into someone’s childhood, you get a window into the things that caused them to be the way that they are - the experiences, the learnings, the hurts, the fears - all of these help you understand how and why someone is wired the way that they are. So it is with us. When others look at us, they see the culmination of the experiences that we’ve had, and how we’ve responded to those experiences.

It has been said that we are not defined by our experiences, but rather by how we respond to those experiences.

And so my sons, my hope for you is that you are reflective in your response to your situations, and that you are intentional about cultivating a spirit of generosity. Do you enjoy helping others? Do you love giving back to your world? How do you treat others? How do you try to make your world a better place? By cultivating a spirit of generosity, you can become men that not only illuminate your relationships and local community but can become men that leave our world better than when you entered it.

Grit

My sons,

Over the past few years, we’ve spent a bunch of time talking about the grand and the lofty. We’ve talked about attributes and character traits that are expansive, traits that encourage big picture thinking and visioning. Today we’re going to talk about something quite different and yet just as important, if not more so.

Mankind was created to move forward. We were made with this celestial imprint on our lives that drives us to dream, to innovate, to invent, and to create. But sometimes, the path to get there isn’t easy, and is filled with hardship, with opposition, with trials, and with people who would see us fail. It is a truism that our lives will not be easy, and it is a certainty that when we endeavor to elevate our thoughts and actions that we will face opposition that will attempt to pull us back down.

It is in those times that we need to have grit.

Grit is the ability to dig deep and to persist in your endeavors. It is the ability to remain steadfast in your convictions and your beliefs, and to stay on the path that you’ve determined to travel. It is the trait that enables us not to give up, not to abandon our aim, no matter how hard things get.

That’s not to say that being stubborn and set in the path that you’re taking excuses all else. Being steadfast doesn’t excuse bad behavior, and doesn’t give us permission to treat others without respect. Quite the contrary - having grit says that not only do we stick to our path, but we stick to our character as we hold the line.

There are those that abandon their posts when the going gets rough. Of those that don’t, there are those that stay and yet complain about it and have a poor attitude towards everyone, believing that because of their resoluteness, they have the right to look down on others.

And then there are those that stay and elevate the situation and all those around them. They stay the course; both the course that they’ve physically set out on, as well as the course to maintain their integrity and their values while the trials come.

That’s grit.

Not the people who can endure any hardship, but the people who can endure those hardships without compromising their beliefs, their integrity, their character, their praiseworthiness.

And that’s my prayer for the both of you. Life will get hard; there is no doubt about that. But my prayer is that not only will you be able to stay the course, but that you will be unwavering in your moral character as you do.

Inclusion

My son,

One of the most remarkable things about our world is how diverse it is. From the thousands of different species of plant and animal life to the millions of tiny organisms that the eye can’t even see, there is such diversity and imagination in every living breath and being that we encounter. And yet it all works together to form something more beautiful in its entirety than its individual parts.

As I’ve grown and learned over the years, I’ve realized that just as how the natural world has much harmony in its diversity and is more breathtaking and awe-inspiring as a result, our social world ought to follow nature’s path.

It’s an interesting phenomenon, our natural instinct to stay close to the similar, the familiar. It starts so young - little boys sticking together in packs because the girls have cooties, strangers from the same race sitting at the same lunch table together, people who dress the same way forming their own little cliques. Part of this stems from a feeling of familiarity and belonging in shared similarities; this much is totally fine and good, but the other part, the part that stems from fear of the unknown and fear of things that are different, that part is a bit trickier.

My challenge to you today is to be brave. Ever since you were little, your mother and I have been encouraging you to be brave, encouraging you to face your fears with bravery and be willing to stand up to things that aren’t right. You’ll need that bravery to be inclusive, to welcome all comers, to embrace those that are different than yourself. Not only because you’ll need to overcome your own fears, but because you’ll need to stand up to the masses that are telling you that you’re wrong, that those that are different aren’t welcome.

The Bible tells us that God so loved the world. The whole world. Not just one race, not just one gender, not just one demographic, not just one intelligence level, but the entire world. And our goal is to spread that inclusiveness in all our circles, be it professional, academic, or social.

So my prayer for you today is that you’ll be someone who is known for being kind, for being inclusive, for bringing in those that need shelter from the storm, for being the one that stands up for the little guy.