Letters to my sons
A collection of thoughts and lessons I've learned along the way for my little men, and anyone else that's interested.
Posts tagged with #Movement
My sons,
We were made to dream. Before we even learned to speak and communicate, we learned to dream. There were a few sad nights when you little guys had nightmares, but thankfully those were the exception. More commonly we have beautiful dreams that inspire us, that soothe us, that excite us, or even embolden us to action. We were built to dream.
When you guys were little, you’d run around pretending to be firefighters, Air Force pilots, astronauts, or even professional soccer players. Children everywhere dream big dreams and run after them.
But for some reason, as we get older, we lose that. We get lost in the assembly line of adolescent preparation for adulthood and we lose sight of those dreams. We put them in a box, slap a “childhood memories” label on it, and stick it on the shelf, letting it collect dust over the years until it’s a long lost forgotten fragment of our younger years.
Gallup reports that roughly 20% of adults report actively pursuing their dreams, and only a third of those report achieving them. The rest of us go through life living uninspired, unambitious, and proper lives that are expected of us.
Sad, huh?
How does one live out one’s dreams?
It is easy (in comparison) to have dreams. It is much harder to live out those dreams, to run hard after them, and to pursue them with every fiber of our being. There are a number of things that can help make the journey palatable (and even possible).
1. Intrinsic motivation
When we were young, most of our motivation was extrinsic. Extrinsic motivators are motivators that are not your own, that are not core to your being. Things like parents pushing you, peer pressures, fear of falling behind, or even the communal pressure of living up to what’s expected of you.
To be clear, extrinsic motivators aren’t bad. In fact, they’re necessary for our survival and thriving as a society, and are a fundamental jump starter in one’s life. When we were young, our intrinsic motivators were for sleep, for food, and for play. Extrinsic motivators came in to motivate us to share, to collaborate, to learn, and to read. These are important.
Living out our dreams requires intrinsic motivation.
Intrinsic motivators are ones that you have internally, that are self-generated, and that are self-accountable. They are the things we do not because we want to do them, but because we feel deeply that we have to do them. They are a part of us. They are a part of our identity. They are an expression of our true selves, of the way that we believe we ought to live, the lives that we ought to have.
Runners don’t run because they want to reach a destination. They run because they love the run. They set their own distance, their own starting and ending markers, their own pace, their own goals. There is nothing external about that. It’s all internal. It’s all about you and what you want out of the run.
Intrinsic motivators are several fold more effective in maintaining focus, and in providing a lasting fuel to our industry. Because they are intrinsic, they need to be learned, practiced, and developed like every other muscle in our body. From an early age, children can develop the strength of their intrinsic motivators. They need time to play, to be bored, to wander, to try things out, and to discover those for themselves. By taking away all the freedom from their play and providing a ton of structure (ie here’s what you’re going to play, when, with whom, with what rules, etc), we rob them of the ability to figure that out themselves and in doing so figure out what their own intrinsic motivators are. The more we apply our intrinsic motivators the more strength they will have in fueling our endeavors.
When I was in high school, I had a number of high achieving friends. They were studious. They got straight As. They took advanced math classes and would school me on every test we had. They were bright, had creative ideas for class projects, and generally were earmarked for huge successes (at least, that’s what was written about them in our yearbook).
But once we got to university (yes, I’m Canadian, so we called it university… not “college” as the Americans do, or “uni” as our British friends do), they completely unraveled. Turns out without the ever watchful eye of Sauron (okay, okay, I’m a Lord of the Rings nerd… how bout eye of mom and dad then?) dictating their schedule and motivating them to do well, they had nothing to fall back on, no intrinsic motivation to get them through.
2. There is much beauty in the details
Great dreamers know that there is much beauty in the details. They, like great artists, know that the big picture is not enough. They know the secret ability that details have to generate great joy. They know that meticulously poring over every detail and painstakingly agonizing over every inch allows those who view the work to be uninterrupted in their experience.
It is one thing to enjoy driving. It is another to notice the smoothness of the gear shift, the refined but powerful roar of the engine, the accent stitching on the seats, and the amazing synchro alignment that allows downshifting to feel as smooth as butter. These details generate a richer and deeper happiness and connection with the car than simply enjoying stepping on the pedal and going.
This is true in every area of life. Whether we’re talking about the subtle hints of floral and fruity fragrances in the bouquet of wine, the refined brush stroke applied to a masterpiece, the technical complexities and details behind a seemingly simple everyday product, or the delicate lilt in the angel’s voice as she sings her aria, details and their recognition and appreciation are transformative.
As our senses are refined and heightened we begin to notice and appreciate each of the tiny details that make up the greater whole. This in turn allows us to be consumed by an experience, transported into a world where time stands still and there is simply the experience itself. And that, is a beautiful thing.
3. Sharing the gift
Passion is contagious. It is not learned, not cultivated, not given. It is inspired. It is sparked by others with passion. It can be a sudden ignition of an already-fertile ground, or can be the slow methodical rubbing together of sticks Boy Scout style. It is shared. It must be shared.
And so for the rare dream that does become a reality, for the one in a million dreams that is realized, we have a moral imperative to share it. When your dream becomes a reality, it doesn’t just belong to you. It belongs to the people who helped you - your family, your friends, your coworkers. It belongs to the world.
So share it. Share it for those who helped you get there. Share it for all those who may never have their own dreams realized, but want to be encouraged and uplifted by the stories of others. Share it as a testament to the power and beauty of the human spirit. Share it so that there is more light in the world than darkness. But most of all, share it so that you never forget it.
My sons,
Today I want to talk about one of the most dangerous phrases in the English language. Sounds ominous, doesn’t it? I assure you that the phrase itself is indeed very powerful, and is also incredibly common. It is a phrase as old as time, and has been uttered by kings and peasants, rich and poor, young and old, the educated and the ignorant, even the wise and the foolish. It is a phrase that does not discriminate against any measurable external trait, but rather is a strong indicator of the internal human condition. It is the phrase, “if only”.
You’ve heard it before, and may have even said it to yourself a time or two.
“If only I was smarter, or taller, or better looking.
If only I had more money, or more friends.
If only she still loved me.
If only I paid more attention in class.
If only he didn’t mock me.
If only they had let me into their club.”
This phrase is dangerous not because of anything it conveys, but rather because of the mindset it exposes. It is such a seemingly harmless phrase, yet it expresses so much of the underlying internal condition. And as with all habits, if left unattended, it will change our character and will permanently impact the way we approach the world. Several negative ramifications we should be wary of:
WE DWELL IN THE PAST
If we look carefully, the words immediately following the “if only” are almost always anchored in the past. If only someone hadn’t wronged you, if only you had a better teammate, or if only you had chosen differently. Even the future sounding cues are really anchored in the past! If only she would take more initiative, if only he would be more kind. While those may sound forward looking, they aren’t! If only she took more initiative implies that she didn’t in the past!
The down side of dwelling in the past is that it’s just that - the past. We cannot move life forward when we have our gaze fixed on the past. Life is designed to be forward moving. We are meant to grow, to progress. It’s wired into the very fabric of our being! Every living thing is designed to move forward. The circle of life doesn’t go backwards! It is ever forward moving, and though it is cyclic, it does not run in the reverse direction.
You cannot move forward if you are fixated on the past.
WE FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE
If only statements are generally negative. They point towards something that we wish didn’t happen, some event that we wish had gone differently, some regrettable circumstance that may have been thrust upon us. Human nature already fixates on the negative. A single traumatic event is often enough to have us spending a lifetime avoiding that same situation again.
This is a survival instinct that helped humanity tens of thousands of years ago cope with its environment. While modern advancements in research, in categorization, and in education have allowed us to understand much of our planet, this was not always so. Our ancestors could not point their smartphone camera at some plant and have Google tell you type of plant it is along with nutritional information, whether it has any medicinal properties, and how to pair it with other ingredients to turn it into an amazing salad. No, mankind of old learned things the hard way and avoided things it did not know; especially if it had a negative or painful experience.
We no longer live in that world, and yet our instinct of emphasis on traumatic events still remains. Journalists capitalize on this fact. The news is centered on the dramatic, the traumatic, and the negative. We don’t need more negativity; in fact, we need much more of the opposite. The world is not as bad as it seems, and things are getting much better! But we are not wired to see that, and so must fight against things that focus our attention on the negative.
WE DON’T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
If only such and such a thing happened, then the result would have been much better. If only my team was better, then we would have won. If only mom cooked better, then I would have healthier eating habits.
These statements all push the burden of responsibility off of ourselves; we shift the blame to the thing that didn’t happen instead of acknowledging our own culpability in the matter. It is no longer our fault! If the other person had done better, or if the referee had not singled me out, or if she didn’t have it out for me from day one, then things would have been different and I would have had a more desirable outcome.
My sons, do not believe those lies. Do not focus on the negative events of the past, placing blame and judgement on others. Rather set your mind on the future; look forward for the next things that will come, and be hopeful for that future! Yes, there may be pain and suffering, but there will also be joy! Laughter! Beauty, love, romance, and new shared experiences! These are what we live for and look forward to. I pray you fix your eyes on those things and not the failings of the past. Acknowledge the past, take responsibility, learn from your mistakes, then move on, move forward.
I love you boys, and am so proud and happy to be able to move life forward with you!
My sons,
Something I’ve always valued is retrospection and introspection. Looking back at our experiences to learn from them, and looking within to thoughtfully consider the choices, decisions, and actions we’ve taken are two very good habits to build. As with any habit, it’s best to start building them early and when one doesn’t need them yet. Taking a page from Robert Redford in Spy Game:
“When did Noah build the ark, Gladys?”
“…“
“Before the rain.”
Looking back on this year, it has definitely been one for the history books with all the unexpected twists and turns. It’s been a trying year for most, full of challenges, upset routines, and new and very real fears. It’s brought folks face to face with many insecurities: meaning, purpose, relationship, isolation. It has caused many to look forward, to desire a different future, and to even take action towards making that different future happen.
As we think through those new beginnings, I want us to consider a few important things.
The future is decided by optimists
I’m not just being optimistic here myself, hoping for a future that is defined by optimists. The future will always be decided by optimists.
Why? Because it’s human nature to desire inspiration, to follow those that are inspiring. We are wired to move life forward, to strive for a tomorrow that’s better than today. Optimists paint those pictures, tell those stories, and dream of those grand and epic scenarios.
We aren’t attracted to pessimists. We may resonate with their negativity, and we may seem to connect over a shared disdain, fear, or dislike, but ultimately they don’t attract or inspire us in the long run. It’s the optimists that attract us, and ultimately it will be the optimists that change the world for the better and decide what our future looks like.
Be FOR other people
Coming out of this isolating time, I would challenge us all to be more for other people. We’ve already had enough focus on ourselves this year. Let us make tomorrow more about other people than ourselves. Let us make it a time where we think more of others, do more for others, care more for others, and love others more.
It’s never too late to start
Lastly, it’s never too late to start making the changes you want to see in yourself! If I’ve learned anything at all this year, it is that it’s never to late to get started.
You may have had a rocky start. You may have rough soil to work with. You may have spent years down a path that you’re not happy about. But that’s okay. We move life forward, one step at a time. Tomorrow isn’t defined by what you did yesterday; it’s defined by what you set your mind to do tomorrow. So as we start this new beginning, my challenge to you both is to start it by being optimistic that the best is yet to come, and by setting your minds on being for other people.
Happy new year!
My sons,
We live in challenging and complex times where nothing is simple, nothing is exactly as it seems. There are no black and white situations, and there are no clear cut answers. Every situation we face has an immense amount of nuance that needs to be considered, examined, and thoughtfully understood.
This year has been packed full of hard stuff. Natural disasters. Racial tensions. Riots. One of the most polarizing presidential elections in recent history. One of the worst global pandemics in all known human history. Social isolation distancing.
These are all extremely complicated situations. And yet we can learn something in them, we can grow in them, we can flourish as a result of them.
Something I’ve been learning lately is that so much of the battle is just showing up. That simple act of getting off the sidelines, picking a side, and standing with your fellow men and women to take on whatever’s coming is immensely powerful. Make no mistake - the enemy (whoever you want to think of as the enemy, be it fear mongers, racists, bigots, homophobes, religious persecutors, or any other person or power that tries to diminish the nobility of the human spirit) wants us to stay idle. The enemy wants us afraid, lazy, lethargic, arguing amongst ourselves, or anything else that would prevent us from action.
Showing up is half the battle.
Here’s why.
1. We create a positive, forward moving mental state
So much of success in the arena is simply about moving forward. When we are still, the battle is lost. But when we are in motion, when we are fluid, when we are gaining momentum and focused on a goal, that is a beautiful thing. That motion, that movement, that momentum and inertia moves our lives forward and gives us courage to take on even bigger things.
Simply showing up is a victory unto itself, and however small that may be is enough to spark us into action.
2. We encourage others
The human spirit is strengthened by witnessing acts of bravery, of honor, of noble intent. When someone sees us getting off the sidelines and showing up in the arena, something deep inside them sparks. Regardless of whether that spark itself is enough to light a fire in them, us showing up and bringing encouragement to another is itself a powerful thing.
3. We show the enemy we’re not afraid
So much of the world is shrouded in fear, in misdirection, in misinformation that leads to inaction. By showing up, we show the enemy that we’re not afraid, that we’re willing to stand shoulder to shoulder in the arena and take on what’s coming.
So my sons, my prayer for you is that you too would show up. That you would move life forward, that you would encourage others and find others of like mind to fight together with, and that together we can stand up against the injustices and the abominations of the world. For together we stand; divided we fall. I love you boys.
My son,
Something in life that’s very difficult to balance well is risk against comfort. While these are often at odds with one another as many other things are, these two have the power to completely shape a life. Comfort can be a place of healing, of relaxation, of rejuvenation and recovery. Risk can be a place of trial, of hardship, of overcoming, of victory and growth.
Both of these in moderation can be great things, and finding a strong balance between the two is difficult. To top that off, there are many different philosophies and beliefs as to what the right balance is, and undoubtedly you have friends and acquaintances that will strike different balances and may even entice you to share their view.
I urge you to strike a balance that leans towards a risk and growth mindset.
Now, I’m not saying that comfort, rejuvenation, and relaxation are bad things; rather, I’m saying that those things reduce momentum and lower movement. There are certainly times in life where lowering movement and being still are exactly the right things to do. But those times shouldn’t be as often as our times of movement.
Life is a constant refinement; we were made to grow, to move life forward, to progress and advance our world. One cannot do that without motion.
And so I challenge you to keep moving. Let your default be to move, to risk, to take action, to grow. Know that inertia is hard to overcome. Know that comfort has many vices and becomes easier the more we seek it and stay in its embrace. Know that you are not a finished product, that the potter has much molding to do, much refinement to make. And know that I will cheer you on, in whatever race you’re running, along whatever path you find yourself on.