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Posts tagged with #Grace

Are your memories bigger than your dreams?

My sons,

We are a species that is obsessed with memories. We spend so much time and money on inventing, creating, buying, and consuming technology centered around memories. Since the earliest times we can recall, humankind has spent countless hours and energy on memories. If we travel far back enough, we give memories the fancy term of “history”. Our modern day PR for the term is “social media”, or “news feed”, but whatever way we spin it, it is all centered around memories. Documenting what has happened, solidifying it for all eternity.

These recorded memories take different forms. History books attempt to record factual memories. Memories capture thoughts, feelings, and remembrances of the rich and famous. Period pieces attempt to paint (typically with rose colored glasses) a picture of a time long past in its prime, filled with life, mystery, and drama. Memories are rooted in the finite, of time that has been concretely shaped, of the road that has already been travelled.

The problem with spending so much of our time and mental energies on memories is that they are all in the past. We remain forever rooted to what has already come, and as a result are always looking backwards. Many of us romanticize the past (in fact, our brains do this on purpose so that we can forget the pain and bad memories of the past and instead can move forward).

Now don’t get me wrong; I enjoy a good nostalgic trip down memory lane as much as the next person. But we cannot allow our focus to remain there, cannot allow our time to be entirely consumed by our reminiscing.

Dreams on the other hand, focus on the future. They focus on things which have not yet come to pass, and keep our eyes looking forward. They paint a very different picture - one of possibility, of potential, of the expansive and the infinite. They ignore the details of what is and allow us to focus on what could be. They too vie for our time and our mental capacity. They too seek regular visitation from our consciousness, but they have a very different focus and motive.

Why it matters where we spend our time

Why does any of this matter? Can’t we simply allow our minds to wander where they will and call it a day? Why is it important for us to think through whether we’re spending our time snapping photos to edit and post on social media or thinking through how to make our dreams a reality?

The obvious one is that time is finite. This is obvious, but is also misleading.

It is true that we all have the same 24 hours in a day, and that we all go through periods of life where we feel like we’ve got all the time in the world. For arguments’ sake, let’s assume we all live standard long-ish lives (in the US as of writing, the average life span is 79 years old).

But even then, not all time is created equal, because despite wall clock time being a finite and universally equal thing, the way we experience it is not equal. For some experiences, 5 minutes may feel like an hour. A year may feel like a decade. A season may feel like an instant.

For instance, I had the privilege of taking an auto cross class, and the 73 seconds it took for me to do a lap with 4 laps had the experience feeling like it was a 15-20 one. This past year of my life has been richly filled with experiences and relationships that it has felt more like a decade than a year. For some, the past three years since the COVID pandemic hit has felt like months, and they remember 2019 like it was yesterday.

Our experience of time depends on what we do and how we do it.

This means that what we do with our time is more important than how much time we have. Explicitly, this means that instead of attempting to prolong our measurable time by tacking on additional time at the end, we should aim for prolonged experiences where time seems to stand still and stretches, and our experience of it lengthens. Instead of being an exercise nut, eating large quantities of kale, quinoa, and whatever other “superfood” is currently trendy, and focusing on extending life we should focus on adding more substantial experiences to our lives.

How do we elongate our experienced time?

I believe that time feels longer because of novelty. When experiences are new, when we experience inputs that we’ve never encountered before, and when we view the world with a different perspective than we had in the past, time seems to slow down. This is additionally magnified by our attitude towards these novel experiences - do we embrace trying new things and learning? Or are we closed off to them?

Clearly my belief is that openness is best (more on that some other post).

This is backed up by our own personal experiences. For instance, our childhood is a complete cauldron of novelty, and therefore ends up often feeling like a much longer period of our lives than it actually is. Everything is new, every feeling, every experience, every situation - all new. First loves, first breakups, first championship goal, first failure. All of these firsts are imprinted in our minds, and our experience of those feel elongated.

It is not an accident that we call those years our formative years; our childhood and early adulthood are periods filled with core memories and events that shape us and last throughout our lives. The reason? Novelty.

This does not mean we should go out seeking novel experiences all the time! While some of those experiences are perfectly justifiable, we should also be seeking novel ways to look at existing experiences. This may mean asking a friend a question you never dreamed of asking. It may mean a conversation or a new attitude towards something that has been in your life for decades.

Dream big

In order to put ourselves in these novel situations, we need to dream. This is explicitly different than daydreaming. Daydreaming is for all practical purposes equivalent to wistful and wishful thinking without any action or impact on ones life. Dreaming big however is an explicit and intentional action that we take to think about our world not as it is but as it ought to be. It is a future-focused activity that prepares our mind for the possibility that something new will happen to us and in us.

A few thoughts on dreaming big.

1. The wider our range of inputs in our lives the bigger the canvas we have on which to dream. By being open to a wide range of experiences, by putting ourselves in circumstances that we have never encountered, and by reading and conversing with people that have different perspectives than we do, we stretch our mind’s ability to dream and in doing so create a virtuous cycle of growth.
2. Some of your dreams should scare you. Not because they’re nightmares, but because they’re so big that imagining them take hold of your life is breathtaking and borderline terrifying. This is a good thing. If you’re never scared of the possibilities of realizing your dreams, you’re not dreaming big enough.
3. Dreams are best shared. Sharing our dreams with our close loved ones allows us not only to inspire others, but be inspired by others and to refine our dreams so that they can start taking shape in reality. By creating a culture of love and trust where we can share our dreams without fear of ridicule or persecution we enable ourselves to freely express, to push our boundaries, and to safely explore the vast world of possibilities out there for us.

The important question then, is what you’re doing with your time. Do you spend your time living in the past, reliving old memories, and longing for days gone by? Or do you have an adequate reverence for the past while focusing on your dreams for the future?

My sons, my hope for you is that you find that right balance that allows you to reminisce and to nostalgically relive the past appropriately, dream big about the future, and live passionately in the here and now.

Equity

My sons,

Something that I’ve always taken for granted growing up is that all people are created equal. Growing up in Canada, that was just something that I assumed. I had close friends of many different races and never thought twice about it. We played sports, learned how to write code, talked about our relationship troubles, applied to colleges, and dreamed about our futures together, regardless of race, religion, or culture. I used to just accept that as a reality, and assumed it was like that everywhere in the world.

Boy was I wrong.

While I’d encounter the occasional stranger who had a disdain for Chinese people and vocalized it to me, my group of multi-racial friends always dismissed those comments as coming from ignorant folks, and we just went on our merry way. However, many don’t have that luxury, and many have much worse persecution than just being called a derogatory racial name.

In my youth, I believed that everyone was created equal, and should be treated as equals. As I grew older, I learned that there’s a difference between equality and equity.

Equality is treating everyone equally. Equity is treating everyone how they need to be treated in order for them to feel equal.

I don’t know what your future will hold, or what the racial, socio-economic, gender, status, or belief structure will look like when you two grow up. I do know that you two will grow up as two of the most fortunate boys in the world, simply by being raised in America, in one of the largest and most prosperous cities of our time, and with a family that loves you, is concerned about teaching you to treat others with respect and dignity, and seeks to give you every opportunity to experience a rich and full life.

Do not squander that blessing.

My sons, I urge you to be a part of the solution. Don’t assume that everyone is being treated equitably and thereby ignore the issues of our time. Speak up for those without a voice. Love those who the world does not deem lovely. Advocate for those who cannot represent themselves. Be generous with your time, with your resources, with your hearts, and with your care. And above all, listen. Listen to those who are in pain, to those who are persecuted, to those who have come to their wits end. And then have grace and mercy for them, and love them.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a bold dream in 1963. That dream was for this country and this world to believe and act as though all people were created equal. It was a dream that longed for his children to be judged not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. It is a dream that I have for the two of you, and is a dream that has not yet been realized.

We can change our world, but it takes all of us coming together to make that dream a reality.

Illuminating our world

My sons,

Human beings are hard wired to mimic and to copy. From the moment we are born we are copying those around us. We copy the sounds they make that eventually turn into words, the emotions they feel that eventually turn into our internal thought life, and the actions they take that eventually turn into our hobbies. So much of what we do is copied and adapted from our environment around us.

In his book Wanting, Luke Burgis posits that much of what we believe is our own initiative is a mimetic response to our environment, and the desires that we have are in fact not really our own. While this might be taken as bad news, I think it’s actually good. It means that we can shape what we believe we want by shaping our environment and our inputs. Further, it means that we can impact others by being different inputs for them. By simply being in our world, we can impact the wants and desires of those around us.

Illuminating our conversations

If we are to illuminate our world, we must consider our conversations - the things we say, the topics we initiate, the questions we ask, and even the (hopefully) thoughtful responses we have. When it comes to conversation, there are really two types - paradigmatic and narrative.

• Paradigmatic - this type of conversation is analytical in nature, littered with facts and figures, and is entirely filled with comment making. It is impersonal, and typically leads to debate and deliberation, often about a model or archetype.
• Narrative - this type of conversation is filled with storytelling, less a bout a point with facts and figures, and more about a story, a feeling, an experience.

When it comes to illuminating our world, the age old adage “no one cares what you know until they know that you care” comes to mind. Facts, figures, winning debates - none of these things change our world or inspire action. They simply are remarkable concepts - that is, concepts worth making a remark about.

When we consider the most impactful people in our world, we think about great storytellers. It is no coincidence that historic figures like Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Theresa, and even Jesus Christ taught through parables and stories. This is because stories bridge the gap between thinking and feeling. They allow the listener to begin to feel the conversation and therefore adapt it into their own world view.

Just like every piece of writing has an implied narrator which the author wants you to attribute to themselves, every storyteller has a characteristic narrative tone: sassy or sarcastic, ironic or earnest, cheerful or grave. The narrative tone reflects the person’s basic attitude toward the world - is it safe or threatening, welcoming, disappointing, or absurd? How we tell stories says a lot about us, and as a result much can be learned learn about a person by listening their stories!

So how can we illuminate through our narrative conversations? A few suggestions:

1. Ask about belief, not thought. Instead of asking “what do you think about this”, ask “how did you come to believe in this”?
2. Ask about relationship. Instead of asking about what someone values, ask about who in their life shaped their values the most.
3. Ask about aspirations. Instead of asking about what someone is going to do, ask about what they would do if they had no fear of failure.

It should first be noted that all of the above are questions for us to ask. You cannot illuminate a life by telling stories that no one wants to hear. You cannot shove enlightenment down someone’s throat. Instead, you draw them into a place of illumination by asking questions, trading stories, and sharing vulnerabilities. These questions prompt stories and narratives, and are the best way to get to know someone, and by extension are the best way to be able to light up their lives!

Bringing enchantment to those around us

Enchantment is the act of bringing beauty to everyday things. Yes, our world needs food, shelter, safety. But we also long for beauty, for song, for a glimpse of the heavenly. As Robin Williams shares with his students in Dead Poets Society:

“Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.”

These are the things that make life grand, that make life enchanting, that make life worth living! Their requisite is not money, but rather time, thoughtfulness, intention. We can generously use our time and our talents to bring that type of beauty, that type of enchantment to those all around us!

Earlier this year I met a bank teller who loved to paint. In his spare time, he would paint Mount Rainier on small wooden placards and bring them to work. He’d then give them away to anyone who was willing to accept one. When I asked him about it, he said that he loved art, that that before she passed, his mother had encouraged him to never stop being generous with it, to never stop giving back to the world.

Beautiful.

Giving our attention to others

Often we think that being generous requires money; it doesn’t. One of the most powerful things you can give someone is your attention. Let them know that they’re seen, that they’re cared for, that they are focused on, that they’re thought about.

We have to remember that despite money being the grease that makes the world go round, it is not the thing that gives life meaning. It fuels progress. It fuels change. It empowers people. It lifts people out of poverty and other bad situations. But it does not give people meaning. It is a tool that is meant to be used, but itself is not of penultimate value. Connection however, is. Connection is the thing that we were created for, the thing that as humans we long for from the moment of birth until we breathe our last breath.

We therefore should not be surprised that often the most impactful way for us to illuminate a life is by giving someone our attention, our concern, our consideration. We live in a world that is increasingly isolated and lonely. In America, the average number of hours per week an adult spends with friends has dropped from 6 to 2 in the last 25 years. What an epidemic of loneliness we have created for ourselves!

And so my sons, my hope for you both is that you choose to illuminate your world. I hope that you are generous with your time, your efforts, your thoughts, and your resources. I hope that your conversation will be always full of grace, and will uplift those around you. I hope that you are men who see those less visible, who bring enchantment to those around you, and who light up every room you find yourselves blessed to be in!

—

P.S. A few illuminating questions that I’ve come across for you to consider:

• What crossroads are you at?
• What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
• If you died tonight, what would you regret not doing?
• If we meet a year from now, what will we be celebrating?
• If the next five years is a chapter in your life, what is that chapter about?
• Can you be yourself where you are, and still fit in?
• What has become clearer as you have aged?

A spirit of generosity

My sons,

Have you ever met someone who really lights up a room? Someone with whom every conversation leaves you lighter and with whom every encounter leaves you feeling like you’re on top of the world? They bring light to others simply by being around them. They uplift, they elevate, they bring joy, they bring hope for something better. These people are illuminators.

On the flip side, there are people who do the opposite. These people suck the life right out of a room, and have the uncanny ability to ruin your mood. They spend their energies trying to glorify and uplift themselves, and are constantly trying to get you to acknowledge their superiority. They want to be seen as always right, as the one who knows the most, whose opinion ought to matter the most. They consistently manage to move the conversation to whatever happens to be on their mind, and are able to drag you into their mindset and into their world. These people are diminishers. They’re downers. If you’re unfortunate enough to know one, you need to minimize the impact that they have on your life by creating clear boundaries. More on that another time.

Today, I want to focus on what it looks like to be an illuminator, how we can attract more illuminators into our lives, and how we can encourage our relations to be more illuminating towards one another.

What allows someone to be an illuminator?

Illuminators are people that are very much less about themselves. Often, they are quite badass, but due to their own self confidence and their care for others, they don’t need their egos to be stroked and as a result do not draw attention to their own badass-ness. Their confidence doesn’t require the approval or awe of others. They are sure of themselves, and don’t need you to confirm or reinforce that.

In my life, I have had the awesome privilege of knowing a true illuminator. When I first met him, I left the conversation feeling light, full of joy, as if I could tackle the world. He was genuinely interested, excited, and impressed by the things in my life, and he expressed those feelings openly. He would ask me questions as if I was the expert on a given topic, and in doing so boosted my confidence ever so slightly. Leaving that conversation, everything looked just a little bit brighter, and I was able to wear a smile on my face the rest of the day. It wasn’t until years later that I learned about his pedigree and his own successes which were absolutely objectively larger than mine. Those successes never got in the way of him being genuinely interested and excited about the things in my life though, and never even came up in our early conversations.

How do illuminators all have the ability to do this?

1. They don’t need the praise of others to feel good about themselves. Illuminators don’t allow the opinions of others to sway their opinions of themselves. They know that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and that they are valuable and the work they do is meaningful even if no one else knows about it or gives them praise for it.
2. They have a good idea of what the meaning for their lives are. In his seminal work, Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl describes the quest that every person must go through to discover meaning in their life, regardless of their circumstances. Illuminators are people who have done or are doing this work and have at least discovered that meaning in life is not found in the approval of others.
3. They have resiliency. Illuminators know that each individual instance is never the end of the world. They have a long term view of life, and know that every little setback, while unfortunate, does not define them. They understand that suffering too must play a part of meaning in the overarching story arc of their lives.

A spirit of generosity

Illuminators are generous. They are generous with their time, their resources, their care, and their intention. A very simple question one can ask oneself at the onset is:

Do I take more from my world, or do I give more to it?

Honestly reflecting on this will allow us to first determine our posture towards others. A few potential follow up questions:

1. In my personal time, am I regularly acting on behalf of others?
2. Am I making my personal resources and skillset available to others?
3. Am I being generous with my money? My time? My thoughts?

A spirit of generosity, of kindness, and of warmth needs to be cultivated over time, and can’t be faked. When you look into someone’s childhood, you get a window into the things that caused them to be the way that they are - the experiences, the learnings, the hurts, the fears - all of these help you understand how and why someone is wired the way that they are. So it is with us. When others look at us, they see the culmination of the experiences that we’ve had, and how we’ve responded to those experiences.

It has been said that we are not defined by our experiences, but rather by how we respond to those experiences.

And so my sons, my hope for you is that you are reflective in your response to your situations, and that you are intentional about cultivating a spirit of generosity. Do you enjoy helping others? Do you love giving back to your world? How do you treat others? How do you try to make your world a better place? By cultivating a spirit of generosity, you can become men that not only illuminate your relationships and local community but can become men that leave our world better than when you entered it.