Letters to my sons
A collection of thoughts and lessons I've learned along the way for my little men,
and anyone else that's interested.
My sons,
One of the most basic instincts that human kind has evolved with is the instinct of fear. In much of our history, fear has been generally a good thing. When human beings were the smallest and weakest species on the planet, being fearful of all the other predators out there and keeping away from them was a good thing. That neck hair-bristling instinct, that sixth sense that allows us to know when danger is near has been an evolutionarily beneficial trait.
But we’re not in the wilderness anymore; quite the contrary, we’re now the apex predator on the planet. And just as our circumstances and place in the food chain have changed, so too must our understanding and application of fear.
What is fear?
Fear is defined simply as
“an intensely unpleasant primal emotion in response to perceiving or recognizing a danger or a threat.”
It can be triggered by both physical or emotional threats, as our body perceives both physical safety and psychological safety to be paramount to our survival, and therefore fires alarm bells when either are threatened.
In other words, fear is our body telling us that something isn’t right, that based on what we know, both intellectually and instinctively, we are under threat. It is a self preservation instinct, one that typically happens immediately before a fight or flight reaction, and it has served humanity well.
Fear in the 21st century
To really get a grasp of how fear impacts us today, it is worth us examining the different types of fear, and the responses that they elicit.
On one end of the spectrum, there is an understanding of fear that borders on the religious, the mystical. It is the notion of fear and reverence. This type of fear is closely related to respect, to awe, even to distant admiration. It elicits responses of deference, of thoughtful rumination, and of minimizing of the self. This type of fear is very useful as an overall collective society, as it allows us to see ourselves in all our imperfections and limitations, and can therefore promote collaboration and connection with one another.
On the other end of the spectrum is the gut-wrenching fear that closely neighbors terror, mania, and horror. This type of fear is debilitating, and often causes us to respond in a primal and instinctive fashion. Our fight or flight instincts are instantly triggered here, and we often are immediately moved to reacting instead of responding. It is an escalation where we go from zero to one hundred in an instant, and we throw logic and reason out the door and move straight to reaction. This type of fear has been evolutionarily beneficial, but is now arguably much less useful, and even potentially harmful for us as an overall collective species.
Good fear vs bad fear
Just as our more primitive ancestors had good fear and bad fear (ie fear of lions good, fear of puppies bad), we have to distinguish between good fear and bad fear in our modern times.
Good fear brings about good responses. It is a fear that brings us to positive action, that allows us to take steps to better our situation and circumstances. It motivates us to work hard, to take action, and to take ownership of our situations.
For instance, in business it is a good and healthy fear to fear that the tides will shift and the opportunity will pass us by. That fear causes us to work passionately and relentlessly to ensure that we don’t miss the wave, that we are able to overcome. In our personal lives it is a good and healthy fear to fear that our children will grow up very fast and that they will soon leave the nest. That fear causes us to allocate more time for them, to ensure that we build great and lasting memories with them, and to be thoughtful about the time we have left.
Bad fear causes us take instinctive reactions instead of thoughtful responses. It often brings knee jerk reactions that are not well thought out, and are generally bad for us in the long term. It causes us to be paranoid, to cower in its light, and to be paralyzed in our ability to move forward.
For instance, in business it is bad for us to fear that bringing bad tidings and news will be punished. That fear causes us to hide things from our teams, to try to cover our asses, and to spend time and energy making sure we avoid backlash and appeasing others instead of being productive and innovative. In our personal lives it is bad to fear that an action we take may bring retribution from our spouses or our partners. How many men live in fear that they can’t do the thing that they want for fear of the wrath of their wives? That is not a good fear, as it causes us to spend our energies avoiding pain rather than intentionally building up our relationships.
How to amplify good fear and minimize bad fear
So the million dollar question is how we can make sure we have ample sources of good fear in our lives and a decreasing set of bad fear? A few suggestions.
- Ensure you’re surrounded with emotionally healthy individuals. As the saying goes, “hurt people hurt people”. Surrounding yourself with emotionally healthy people is a great way to ensure that you don’t end up with bad fear because emotionally healthy people know that people make mistakes. They understand that life isn’t perfect, and they have the tools to effectively communicate through those mistakes.
- Regularly set aside time to see things in perspective. In business this means setting aside time on your calendar to take a step back and to examine your situation. Remove yourself from the equation and take a holistic, unbiased view of your surroundings. Learn to see the big picture and the longer story arc of your career. If you discover you’re working for an unhealthy manager or an unhealthy team culture, it’s probably time to start planning your exit.
- Practice positive self-talk. When we express fear and defeat, not only do we impact those around us but we affect our own perspectives as well. It is a well-studied phenomenon that the things that we say and express have a strong impact on our internal psychology and directly impact our performance. Make sure to practice expressing good fear with good intentions and actions to those around us.
I know this stuff is hard. It’s unfortunately not a subject that is ever taught. But I firmly believe that a life well lived is one that is intentional, that is purposeful, and that is based on the desire not to miss great opportunities instead of the desire to avoid pain. My sons, my hope for you is that you surround yourselves with people that model good fear and encourage positive, intentional, and thoughtful responses.