Letters to my sons
A collection of thoughts and lessons I've learned along the way for my little men, and anyone else that's interested.
Posts tagged with #Mindfulness
My sons,
All of us have dreams. From a young age, we learned that the sky’s the limit for human ingenuity. We were told that we could be anything, do anything. But over time, those dreams start to fade, and our belief in our ability to achieve them (nay, whether we even deserve to achieve them) starts to fade. Most of us have lost sight of those adolescent dreams and have settled into the mediocrity that is adulthood. We are content in living the life that we’re supposed to live - a life that plods along slowly but surely, doing all the things that our culture tells us area part of a properly lived life.
Sounds pretty dull doesn’t it?
How do we snap out of that? How do we move back into a space where our lives are exciting, where we’re passionately running towards some big, lofty dream, and where inspiration comes and drives us to our limit and pushes us beyond where we ever thought we could go?
The answer is simple, and comes in the form of all sorts of cliches. Take your pick of them:
- Less is more
- Gotta take two steps back in order to set up three steps forward
- It’s not quantity, it’s quality
The truth of the matter is, our lives are so jam packed full of stuff, filled with noise, and overflowing with the seemingly urgent that we have no margin, no time, no mental space to allow ourselves to listen. It has been said that inspiration is very polite. She knocks softly and then goes away if we don’t answer the door. She does not force her way in, does not make a big fuss, does not cause a scene.
We cannot shove inspiration down someone’s throat. We knock softly, and if they’re not ready to answer, that’s okay, we can come back some other time. Similarly, we cannot be inspired if we are not paying attention to the knocking on our own doors. If we are too caught up in ourselves, too focused on our own worlds, or have too much noise drowning our ears, we will miss the gentle whisper that inspires and elevates.
If we want to hear the gentle whisper of inspiration we must first learn to listen, and to have the margin and mental space for her.
Learning to listen
An unfortunate reality of our modern world is that we are driven by noise. We praise great orators, admire the outspoken leaders, and aspire ourselves to have that type of impact. As a result, we focus much of our learning and our development on how to speak, how to convey an idea, and how to be heard.
But we don’t spend time learning to listen.
Active listening is a skill just like any other - it can be learned, can be practiced, and can be improved upon. It has nuances like every other skill does. It has its masters and its novices. Some are born with more of it, some with less. And like every other skill, where we start doesn’t matter. We can all learn to actively listen so that we are more attuned to what is going on around us.
Creating space
One of my most cherished habits is my nightly thinking and processing time. I use a modified version of Zettelkasten to support my growth and learning, and one of the disciplines I’ve picked up from it is creating space every night to process my thoughts from the day and to synthesize my notes into my own system. This process requires me to first sit and clear the thoughts in my head and then to pick up each thought that I’ve recorded throughout the day and to consider it, process it, and synthesize it into a long form paragraph or two.
Which system you use is less important. What matters is that you have a system, and you have a method by which you nurture and care for your thought life. The daily nurturing of your mind allows you to create space to listen, to be attuned to your surroundings, and to see where your thoughts lead you. This is gonna sound cheesy, but I’m going to say it anyway - your mind is like your sacred garden that needs to be tended to and taken care of. Cultivating a healthy and strong thought life will provide benefits to every other area of your life.
Cultivating our inputs
We must therefore be intentional about our inputs. Tending to the garden of our mind means we are thoughtful and careful about what we let into it. This should be an obvious one, and despite the fact that we’ve all definitely seen the effects of not guarding our minds well, most of us could use some improvement in the things we let in.
We’ve all done this and all have first hand experience with this. Remember that friend who was constantly negative and could (and would) complain about anything and everything under the sun? Prolonged periods hanging out with them probably made us more negative as well.
It works in the opposite too. When I was younger I had a great friend who was super passionate about technology and about the product that we were working together on at the time. We spent countless hours discussing the work we were passionate and excited about, and would even discuss some of the technical details of our work while on the chairlift at the slopes. It’s no surprise then that this period of my life was characterized by strong technical thinking and development, as well as a high amount of professional productivity.
I in turn was very much into motorcycles and would openly drool over the latest super sport bikes that were released each year. It’s also no surprise that my friend ended up getting a motorcycle as well.
Great inputs have the power to lift up a life, to change our mind, and to enrich our thought processes and passions. Bad inputs have the power to pollute our mind, to destroy our sense of self, and to turn a once-productive mind into a destructive one.
The gentle whisper of inspiration
Inspiration comes in many forms, and may sound different to different people. She may take different approaches, may speak through different people and events, and may look different each time she tries to visit us. She may speak to us through listening to a stranger’s story on the plane, or through the sight of a bird soaring high with “god rays” bursting through the clouds. She may nudge us when we’re dozing off watching the trees roll by on our commute, or may give us a glimpse of something greater as we’re playing with our kids.
One thing is certain though - she always whispers.
There is no sure fire way to guarantee that we will hear her every time. But if create space, if we spend the time to be mindful and attentive, if we learn to follow the little inklings that begin like whispers in the wind of our minds, then we may learn to distinguish her voice and pay more attention when she speaks. But we’ve got to be ready to listen to what she says! Remember that there is no confirmation bias for inspiration. She may often say things that make us think twice - that is a good thing! An inspired life is an elevated one, and we can surely use more of those in our world!
My sons,
We were made to dream. Before we even learned to speak and communicate, we learned to dream. There were a few sad nights when you little guys had nightmares, but thankfully those were the exception. More commonly we have beautiful dreams that inspire us, that soothe us, that excite us, or even embolden us to action. We were built to dream.
When you guys were little, you’d run around pretending to be firefighters, Air Force pilots, astronauts, or even professional soccer players. Children everywhere dream big dreams and run after them.
But for some reason, as we get older, we lose that. We get lost in the assembly line of adolescent preparation for adulthood and we lose sight of those dreams. We put them in a box, slap a “childhood memories” label on it, and stick it on the shelf, letting it collect dust over the years until it’s a long lost forgotten fragment of our younger years.
Gallup reports that roughly 20% of adults report actively pursuing their dreams, and only a third of those report achieving them. The rest of us go through life living uninspired, unambitious, and proper lives that are expected of us.
Sad, huh?
How does one live out one’s dreams?
It is easy (in comparison) to have dreams. It is much harder to live out those dreams, to run hard after them, and to pursue them with every fiber of our being. There are a number of things that can help make the journey palatable (and even possible).
1. Intrinsic motivation
When we were young, most of our motivation was extrinsic. Extrinsic motivators are motivators that are not your own, that are not core to your being. Things like parents pushing you, peer pressures, fear of falling behind, or even the communal pressure of living up to what’s expected of you.
To be clear, extrinsic motivators aren’t bad. In fact, they’re necessary for our survival and thriving as a society, and are a fundamental jump starter in one’s life. When we were young, our intrinsic motivators were for sleep, for food, and for play. Extrinsic motivators came in to motivate us to share, to collaborate, to learn, and to read. These are important.
Living out our dreams requires intrinsic motivation.
Intrinsic motivators are ones that you have internally, that are self-generated, and that are self-accountable. They are the things we do not because we want to do them, but because we feel deeply that we have to do them. They are a part of us. They are a part of our identity. They are an expression of our true selves, of the way that we believe we ought to live, the lives that we ought to have.
Runners don’t run because they want to reach a destination. They run because they love the run. They set their own distance, their own starting and ending markers, their own pace, their own goals. There is nothing external about that. It’s all internal. It’s all about you and what you want out of the run.
Intrinsic motivators are several fold more effective in maintaining focus, and in providing a lasting fuel to our industry. Because they are intrinsic, they need to be learned, practiced, and developed like every other muscle in our body. From an early age, children can develop the strength of their intrinsic motivators. They need time to play, to be bored, to wander, to try things out, and to discover those for themselves. By taking away all the freedom from their play and providing a ton of structure (ie here’s what you’re going to play, when, with whom, with what rules, etc), we rob them of the ability to figure that out themselves and in doing so figure out what their own intrinsic motivators are. The more we apply our intrinsic motivators the more strength they will have in fueling our endeavors.
When I was in high school, I had a number of high achieving friends. They were studious. They got straight As. They took advanced math classes and would school me on every test we had. They were bright, had creative ideas for class projects, and generally were earmarked for huge successes (at least, that’s what was written about them in our yearbook).
But once we got to university (yes, I’m Canadian, so we called it university… not “college” as the Americans do, or “uni” as our British friends do), they completely unraveled. Turns out without the ever watchful eye of Sauron (okay, okay, I’m a Lord of the Rings nerd… how bout eye of mom and dad then?) dictating their schedule and motivating them to do well, they had nothing to fall back on, no intrinsic motivation to get them through.
2. There is much beauty in the details
Great dreamers know that there is much beauty in the details. They, like great artists, know that the big picture is not enough. They know the secret ability that details have to generate great joy. They know that meticulously poring over every detail and painstakingly agonizing over every inch allows those who view the work to be uninterrupted in their experience.
It is one thing to enjoy driving. It is another to notice the smoothness of the gear shift, the refined but powerful roar of the engine, the accent stitching on the seats, and the amazing synchro alignment that allows downshifting to feel as smooth as butter. These details generate a richer and deeper happiness and connection with the car than simply enjoying stepping on the pedal and going.
This is true in every area of life. Whether we’re talking about the subtle hints of floral and fruity fragrances in the bouquet of wine, the refined brush stroke applied to a masterpiece, the technical complexities and details behind a seemingly simple everyday product, or the delicate lilt in the angel’s voice as she sings her aria, details and their recognition and appreciation are transformative.
As our senses are refined and heightened we begin to notice and appreciate each of the tiny details that make up the greater whole. This in turn allows us to be consumed by an experience, transported into a world where time stands still and there is simply the experience itself. And that, is a beautiful thing.
3. Sharing the gift
Passion is contagious. It is not learned, not cultivated, not given. It is inspired. It is sparked by others with passion. It can be a sudden ignition of an already-fertile ground, or can be the slow methodical rubbing together of sticks Boy Scout style. It is shared. It must be shared.
And so for the rare dream that does become a reality, for the one in a million dreams that is realized, we have a moral imperative to share it. When your dream becomes a reality, it doesn’t just belong to you. It belongs to the people who helped you - your family, your friends, your coworkers. It belongs to the world.
So share it. Share it for those who helped you get there. Share it for all those who may never have their own dreams realized, but want to be encouraged and uplifted by the stories of others. Share it as a testament to the power and beauty of the human spirit. Share it so that there is more light in the world than darkness. But most of all, share it so that you never forget it.
My sons,
From early childhood, we’re taught that exercise is good. Outdoor play and physical exertion is built into every school curriculum from the minute we’re conscious. Exercise is our body’s way of developing, of building muscle, of growing. We’re taught to lean into the soreness, to relish and nurture the pain because pain means our muscles will be rebuilt stronger.
The problem is that many of us don’t exercise our physical bodies. We’ve become lazy, sedentary. Worst of all, we’ve allowed that lazy and sedentary mindset to carry to our mental and emotional lives! This trend is creating not just physically unhealthy humans, but mentally and emotionally unhealthy ones.
Our physical bodies need exercise. So do our mental and emotional ones.
Many of us make New Years resolutions to exercise more, to go to the gym, to eat healthier, and to snack less. It’s a well documented reality that gyms and other physical fitness institutions see an annual surge in memberships and attendance at the start of the year. We know that it is in our own best interest to physically exercise and to keep our bodies healthy.
So how do we carry this through to our mental and emotional lives?
No pain, no gain
This is true not just in the proactive sense (ie you have to work for something that you want) but also in the reactive (ie when life gives you lemons). Building the body is obvious pain - physical discipline, eating well, lifting weights, physical exercise.
In the realm of the mind, pain is a little less obvious. Frustration, mental struggle, embarrassment, shame, failure - these are all pains of the mind, and are things that we need to lean into.
I remember when I learned how to snowboard. My instructor would cheer each time I fell because it meant that I was pushing my limit. Then he’d come over and reflect over what caused the fall with me so I that I could hone in on that feeling and identify it next time so that I could adjust how my body responded to it.
If you’re not failing, you’re not pushing your limits. If you’re not pushing your limits, you’re not maximizing your potential.
Reflect rather than avoid
As humans, we have a tendency to avoid pain. From an early age, we’re taught that fire = pain, so we avoid fire. While this may be a perfectly reasonable and rational philosophy for the physical world, our minds naturally extrapolate this concept to the mental and emotional world.
This is a mistake.
We need to train ourselves to develop the habit of being reflective of pain. Just as we exercise our physical bodies and grow from the pain, we need to grow from the emotional and mental pain too. Whether we’re talking about a bad breakup, failing a test, or being embarrassed publicly for some piece of incorrect knowledge which you were certain of, we need to lean into the pain and reflect on how it has impacted us.
When we reflect on our pain, we’re able to examine several things.
- Why was this painful?
- What happened that didn’t meet my expectation?
- How did I react?
By regularly thinking through these things, we’re able to evaluate whether we’re happy with our responses, and from there build a desire for change. And just like we build exercise plans like doing crunches and planks for strengthening a targeted physical area, so too do we need to build a plan for dealing with our emotional and mental pain.
We should note explicitly though, that this is contradictory to our base animal instincts. Evolution tells us that over the past several millennia, human beings have survived due to our evolutionary instinct of fight or flight. This goes against both of those!
Learn to be mindful of your responses
Human beings are instinctive and reactive. This is frequently a praiseworthy trait. We pay athletes millions of dollars because they have above-average reaction times and have honed those reactions to be favorable. However, this too is a trait that can cause us as much harm as good when applied in the emotional and mental realms.
Anyone who has been in a relationship, be it familial, platonic, romantic, or otherwise, knows what its like to react negatively to someone else. Often those reactions come out as anger, irritation, aggression, avoidance, and a myriad other self-preserving and negative things.
Instead of reacting automatically to stimuli, we need to train ourselves to mindfully respond. Mindfulness doesn’t just give us the ability to acknowledge what’s going on, but also gives us the space to thoughtfully respond. It doesn’t mean we’re passively allowing the world to just happen, but instead gives us the room and the tools to decide how we respond instead of reacting out of instinct.
By injecting a brief pause in between our brain’s decision to act vs our body’s reaction, we can rewire our actions despite our initial internal reaction. This allows us to respond in a way that is congruent with our beliefs and our values. It creates the space for us to do that by training our emotional beings to identify the feelings and impacts of a given situation and to give us but a breath of space before taking action.
That breath may well be the most invaluable space in our lives.
We value people who are able to respond well under pressure and are able to stay calm. Mindfulness helps us choose our response so that we too can take actions that are honorable, noble, and consistent with the people that we want to be.
My sons, in this life you will have pain. And while I wish I could take that pain in your stead so that you can live pain-free and happy lives, I know that it is in that pain that you grow. And so my prayer is not that you would live a painless life, but that you would be reflective in that pain, that you would have people in your lives that can share those pains with you, and that you can learn from those experiences so that you can mindfully live your best lives possible. Love you boys!