Letters to my sons
A collection of thoughts and lessons I've learned along the way for my little men,
and anyone else that's interested.
My sons,
I love to travel. Partly because I love the thrill of exploring a new city, of discovering a beautiful countryside, of experiencing a new culture, and of seeing the sun set over a different horizon. But also because these new experiences allow you to be surprised, to be caught off guard, to be vulnerable.
Perhaps it is the romantic in me that puts my heart and mind in a posture for inspiration, but it is in these moments of vulnerability that we find sparks of inspiration, of clarity, of perspective. These moments bring a much needed reprieve from our day to day, that allow us to see the world differently, to reflect and retrospect on life, and to wax poetic about our place in the cosmos. These moments give us glimpses into our purpose, our place, and our meaning.
For some, these moments are to be found in isolation, in quiet contemplation, and in enjoyment of their natural world surroundings. They may sneak up on you unexpectedly - a brief clearing in the middle of a hike, an opportune moment where there is not a single skier in sight as you cruise through the powder, or even a fleeting moment at a beach where you find yourself alone and reflective, gazing out into the vast ocean.
For others, these moments are found in the company of loved ones. Perhaps a warm revelation while catching a glimpse of one’s family happily chatting over a holiday meal, a quiet moment of realization as your children fall asleep before the movie has finished, or even a moment of grief shared with a loved one.
These beautiful moments, fleeting as they are, have the potential to bring clarity and focus to our lives if we let them. Their impact can be as small as a quick thought or as deeply impactful as changing our minds about something. They can be pensive and sombre or uplifting and inspiring. And the best part is, we can shape them.
Shaping your moments
Our subconscious minds are always at work. When we sleep, when we eat, when we’re engaged in active conversation, or when we’re pensive, our subconscious minds cannot be turned off. What they’re actively working on or thinking about is one thing, and whether we have the space and margin to listen to them is another. Let’s look at both of these.
It turns out our subconscious minds aren’t magical things. They’re simply (forgive the CS term here) background processes that are always running in our brain, processing and dealing with things that we encounter. Their inputs are what we give them - our experiences, our friends, our conversations, the things we read. This is our first hint as to how we can direct those moments.
We should note that our subconscious minds are slow. They take time to do their thing. And we’re usually not aware that anything is happening at all. But when they act, their impact is big.
When I was a wee lad I was happy, and hopeful, and generally pretty positive, as most little guys are. When I went through my teenage years though, I started becoming more judgmental of the world in general. Then when I graduated from university (I’m Canadian - we call it “university”, not “college” like our friends to the south call it, or “uni” like our friends across the pond do. Just “university”) and took a job at Microsoft, I discovered that I started becoming critical not just of the world at large but at those around me; my friends, my family, my loved ones. Then I became a manager, and then the doors just flew off the hinges.
I’ve since had to do a lot of work (and a lot of therapy, reading, learning, and reflecting) to get back to being a happy, hopeful, and generally positive (but not so wee anymore) person, but it’s worth thinking through how I got there in the first place.
Turns out a large influence in my youthful years was the Toronto Chinese Christian Church community at large. Yikes. I won’t hate on that whole community too much, as I’m sure it has changed over time, and I’m sure my experiences were… somewhat unique to me, but suffice it to say that I grew up being surrounded by a whole lot of immature adults vying for power, judging one another, and generally being nasty humans without caring that the youth of the time was paying close attention.
Fast forward to Microsoft culture circa 2008 and you’ll find an incredibly critical company, one that promotes “critical thinking” as applied to any and all problems. Including human engineering problems.
And my subconscious mind picked all of this stuff as regular inputs in my life, and acted accordingly. It assimilated those behaviors and attitudes, and slowly but surely changed my view of the world, my actions within it, and my reaction to it.
We are not the sum of our experiences, as has often been said, but rather we are the sum of the way we react and respond to those experiences. If we want to react differently, if we want to be inspired in those moments of clarity, then we must be thoughtful and forceful about controlling our inputs, about cultivating the garden of our mind.
Space to listen - a moment of clarity
Once we’ve reined in our thought process and have gotten a better handle on the inputs to our subconscious, how do we allow those insights to bubble up to our conscious minds? How do we put ourselves in a position where the fruits of the garden of our minds can have their moment of impact?
The obvious one is to prioritize margin, to accommodate it, and to plan for it. Many successful executives do this. Bill Gates used to have his infamous Think Weeks where he would spend an entire week away from all distractions so that he could think and give his mind time to speak back to him. Oprah has popularized the silent retreat. John Rockefeller scheduled hours on his calendar to just sit and stare out the window.
In his book ~Stolen Focus~, Johann Hari expounds on the plethora of studies that show that the kid in the back corner staring out the window daydreaming was much more likely to be successful, learn better, and even reason better. There is much research in recent years that shows how giving ourselves space to play, margin to relax, and time to daydream is incredibly beneficial for us.
One way to orchestrate these moments is to take our vacations. Many years ago my mentor told me that if I ever worked for a company or a person that asked me not to take my vacation or asked me to work during it that I should immediately start looking for a new job. I agree. Corporate America has created a model set to squeeze every last drop of productivity from a person without realizing that leaving people as husks of their former selves is only the secondary problem. The primary is that in doing so, we deprive people of growth, of learning, and as a result get less out of them.
Make sure you prioritize taking your vacations, and for the love of God, turn off your devices and don’t check email while you’re there.
It is in these disconnected moments that life can take you by surprise. I recently took a train ride to Portland with my little dude and during that 4 hour disconnected journey, I happened to be staring out the window at a steady stream of trees rolling by when suddenly we hit a picturesque clearing. The sun was shining just right and the beautifully manicured acres of lawn sloped gently down to a turn of the century farm house painted a deep royal blue. The house stood nobly at the foot of a hill that created gorgeous backdrop, its white picket fence encircling a luscious garden on one side, and a row of 30 foot trees on the other. A lone horse stood beneath the tree, topping off that quaint, beautiful scene from a different life and a different time.
That moment, combined with my mind’s lingering thoughts from the novel I had just finished, elevated my perspective and transported me, causing me to think about the beauty of the human spirit, of the longevity and resiliency of our species, and of our ability to build noble things that can stand the test of time.
And then the whole scene was gone, covered by the steady rows of bushes lining the tracks. But not before leaving yet another breadcrumb of clarity and perspective for me to chew on for the rest of the trip.
And so my encouragement to you is to put yourselves in places where you too can allow the thoughts marinating in your subconsciousness to surface, where you can be inspired, and where you can be taken by surprise.