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Illuminating our world

My sons,

Human beings are hard wired to mimic and to copy. From the moment we are born we are copying those around us. We copy the sounds they make that eventually turn into words, the emotions they feel that eventually turn into our internal thought life, and the actions they take that eventually turn into our hobbies. So much of what we do is copied and adapted from our environment around us.

In his book Wanting, Luke Burgis posits that much of what we believe is our own initiative is a mimetic response to our environment, and the desires that we have are in fact not really our own. While this might be taken as bad news, I think it’s actually good. It means that we can shape what we believe we want by shaping our environment and our inputs. Further, it means that we can impact others by being different inputs for them. By simply being in our world, we can impact the wants and desires of those around us.

Illuminating our conversations

If we are to illuminate our world, we must consider our conversations - the things we say, the topics we initiate, the questions we ask, and even the (hopefully) thoughtful responses we have. When it comes to conversation, there are really two types - paradigmatic and narrative.

• Paradigmatic - this type of conversation is analytical in nature, littered with facts and figures, and is entirely filled with comment making. It is impersonal, and typically leads to debate and deliberation, often about a model or archetype.
• Narrative - this type of conversation is filled with storytelling, less a bout a point with facts and figures, and more about a story, a feeling, an experience.

When it comes to illuminating our world, the age old adage “no one cares what you know until they know that you care” comes to mind. Facts, figures, winning debates - none of these things change our world or inspire action. They simply are remarkable concepts - that is, concepts worth making a remark about.

When we consider the most impactful people in our world, we think about great storytellers. It is no coincidence that historic figures like Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Theresa, and even Jesus Christ taught through parables and stories. This is because stories bridge the gap between thinking and feeling. They allow the listener to begin to feel the conversation and therefore adapt it into their own world view.

Just like every piece of writing has an implied narrator which the author wants you to attribute to themselves, every storyteller has a characteristic narrative tone: sassy or sarcastic, ironic or earnest, cheerful or grave. The narrative tone reflects the person’s basic attitude toward the world - is it safe or threatening, welcoming, disappointing, or absurd? How we tell stories says a lot about us, and as a result much can be learned learn about a person by listening their stories!

So how can we illuminate through our narrative conversations? A few suggestions:

1. Ask about belief, not thought. Instead of asking “what do you think about this”, ask “how did you come to believe in this”?
2. Ask about relationship. Instead of asking about what someone values, ask about who in their life shaped their values the most.
3. Ask about aspirations. Instead of asking about what someone is going to do, ask about what they would do if they had no fear of failure.

It should first be noted that all of the above are questions for us to ask. You cannot illuminate a life by telling stories that no one wants to hear. You cannot shove enlightenment down someone’s throat. Instead, you draw them into a place of illumination by asking questions, trading stories, and sharing vulnerabilities. These questions prompt stories and narratives, and are the best way to get to know someone, and by extension are the best way to be able to light up their lives!

Bringing enchantment to those around us

Enchantment is the act of bringing beauty to everyday things. Yes, our world needs food, shelter, safety. But we also long for beauty, for song, for a glimpse of the heavenly. As Robin Williams shares with his students in Dead Poets Society:

“Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.”

These are the things that make life grand, that make life enchanting, that make life worth living! Their requisite is not money, but rather time, thoughtfulness, intention. We can generously use our time and our talents to bring that type of beauty, that type of enchantment to those all around us!

Earlier this year I met a bank teller who loved to paint. In his spare time, he would paint Mount Rainier on small wooden placards and bring them to work. He’d then give them away to anyone who was willing to accept one. When I asked him about it, he said that he loved art, that that before she passed, his mother had encouraged him to never stop being generous with it, to never stop giving back to the world.

Beautiful.

Giving our attention to others

Often we think that being generous requires money; it doesn’t. One of the most powerful things you can give someone is your attention. Let them know that they’re seen, that they’re cared for, that they are focused on, that they’re thought about.

We have to remember that despite money being the grease that makes the world go round, it is not the thing that gives life meaning. It fuels progress. It fuels change. It empowers people. It lifts people out of poverty and other bad situations. But it does not give people meaning. It is a tool that is meant to be used, but itself is not of penultimate value. Connection however, is. Connection is the thing that we were created for, the thing that as humans we long for from the moment of birth until we breathe our last breath.

We therefore should not be surprised that often the most impactful way for us to illuminate a life is by giving someone our attention, our concern, our consideration. We live in a world that is increasingly isolated and lonely. In America, the average number of hours per week an adult spends with friends has dropped from 6 to 2 in the last 25 years. What an epidemic of loneliness we have created for ourselves!

And so my sons, my hope for you both is that you choose to illuminate your world. I hope that you are generous with your time, your efforts, your thoughts, and your resources. I hope that your conversation will be always full of grace, and will uplift those around you. I hope that you are men who see those less visible, who bring enchantment to those around you, and who light up every room you find yourselves blessed to be in!

—

P.S. A few illuminating questions that I’ve come across for you to consider:

• What crossroads are you at?
• What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
• If you died tonight, what would you regret not doing?
• If we meet a year from now, what will we be celebrating?
• If the next five years is a chapter in your life, what is that chapter about?
• Can you be yourself where you are, and still fit in?
• What has become clearer as you have aged?