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Building confidence in others

My sons,

I love to travel. I love the feeling of waking up in a place that isn’t home, hearing sounds, seeing sights, and smelling things that are completely new and beautiful in their uniqueness. Whenever I travel, there are always three things on my list that I can’t miss that to me give me a snapshot of culture: food, architecture, and art.

Each new city I visit and each new country I step foot in, I always make sure I experience their food - both modern and traditional, from holes in the walls to fancy fine dining. I always spend a day with my camera capturing snapshots of their architecture. And I always find some way to experience their art, be it museums full of paintings and sculpture, opera houses, symphony, or local theater. I firmly believe that there is so much beauty in the vast numbers of cultures out there, and while I have been blessed to experience many, there are still more that I have yet to discover and witness.

But of all the wonders that I’ve seen, of all the sights, scenery, and marvels that I’ve been blessed to experience, there is nothing more beautiful than the human spirit. No created thing, no picturesque landscape, no natural phenomenon can quite compare to the beauty of that spark that is within all of us. There is nothing quite like the shine of that spark when it shines, nothing quite as bright as seeing the dignity, honor, and nobility of the human spirit.

Conversely, there is nothing so heart breaking as seeing that spirit stamped out, restricted, and silenced. As Al Pacino famously pronounced in his legendary speech,

“There is nothing like the sight of an amputated spirit; there is no prosthetic for that.”

So how do we ensure we combat this? How do we lift people, elevate their spirits, and enable them to be their best? We’ve been discussing what it means to empower people recently, and I would posit that empowering people is synonymous with enabling the human spirit to be its best.

An external lift

We all begin life with the same small spark, that same thread of humanity that is characteristic of our species. In the beginning, that spark is fragile. It has infinite potential, but needs nurturing, needs nourishing to be the best that it can be. It is strong but malleable.

At the start, each of us needs an external lift. We need an environment that cultivates, that nurtures, that fans that tiny spark into a bright light. Over time that spark will be much stronger and can sustain much, but each of us requires someone to lift us, to point our eyes upwards so that we can see our potential, can dream of the stars, and can have the confidence to reach out to grab them.

Whether this comes in the form of an involved parent, an inspiring mentor, an encouraging sibling, or a trusted friend, each of us needs has pivotal moments where we need someone to show up for us and to hold us up until we are able to stand on our own again.

Building confidence

As caregivers, coaches, and mentors, there are several key things we have to be aware of when we embark on this journey of building up others. First and foremost is that we have to care personally. This key element amplifies everything we do with those in our care. People look towards us for guidance, yes, but before they can gain anything from us, before they will listen to us, they need to know that we are in their corner. So if you’re reading this and the person in your care doesn’t deeply know that, then your first task is to drop everything else you’re doing and make sure that they are convinced beyond a shadow of doubt that you are for them.

Constancy

Constancy is defined as the quality of being faithful and dependable. As a coach, it is incredibly important for us to be a constant for those we are coaching. Remember that for many, there is much going on in their lives that we are unaware of. Those we coach need to know that this is always a safe place for them, and that no matter what else happens outside the sphere of our time together, this time, this place, this space will be constant.

This is one of the keys to the many wonderful and successful sports programs that help underprivileged children. For many of those children, seeing their coaches week to week is the only constant in their lives, and they are able to cling to that constancy and find strength in that. They are able to lean on these men and women who become pillars for them to stabilize their lives.

This trait applies to any kind of coaching we want to do! Whether we’re talking about career coaching, youth work, or even raising confident children, our ability to build confidence in them requires us to be a constant in their lives.

Consistency

Not to be confused with constancy, consistency is about providing the same message, the same set of values and principles in all our interactions. As coaches, our message needs to be consistent. We need to show those we are coaching that we apply the same standards to everything that we do.

People need structure. We need to know that the bar is the same for everyone, and that the same standards will be applied to everyone. In order for us to be confident, we need to know that we can meet or exceed the bar, but how can we do that if we feel the bar keeps moving? As coaches, we need be consistent in our application of our standards. Yes, we can acknowledge the fact that people may be at a different skill level, but accommodating a different skill level and lowering the standards are very different things.

A big part of growing, learning, and developing confidence is failing, and gaining wisdom and insight from our failures. Analyzing what went wrong and adapting our actions is a critical part of learning. Knowing that our adjustments will accomplish a better result next time is a key component of confidence. As Thomas Edison famously said,

”I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

Yes, we need to support and encourage those we coach when they fail, but they need to know that we have not lowered the bar just to make them feel good. Remember that making someone feel better is just a salve for the current pain and doesn’t actually help them grow. As coaches, we need to hold the line and let them know that they have missed the mark. Be gentle, but firm. The message must be consistent.

Expect more

One of the best tools we have as coaches is setting the bar. In order to build confidence in others, we need to know what they’re capable of, and then we need to start nudging the beyond that. They need to know that we expect them to accomplish more, that we believe in them.

There’s a key nuance here though. We’ve all seen those memes and heard stories of parents, teachers, or instructors that set impossible standards that those in their care cannot reach. This is not that.

If our goal is to build confidence in others, then we first need to take the time to really understand their current capabilities. Not only that, but we need them to know that we truly understand where they’re at. To coach someone well, we need to earn their trust, and they will never trust us if they don’t believe we care enough to really know them and to know where they’re at.

Only when we’ve demonstrated that we care, that we understand, and that we are constant and consistent can we begin to raise the bar.

As coaches and mentors, we have the great privilege to help others grow and to confidently push the boundaries of their capabilities. We also have the great responsibility to be thoughtful of those in our care. Our words have the power to encourage, to lift, and to build confidence, but they also have the power to destroy and to tear down. Let us learn to build others up together!